Analytic Vision

Posts Tagged ‘NLP’

NLP Modal Operators From A Marketing Perspective.

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 31/03/2017

 

There are three big categories of modal operators:

  • possibility

  • necessity

  • desire

The pattern of potential customers taking decisions is dependent on the sequence in which they use these modal operators. Depending on the level of familiarity and trust they have with a certain product or service, they might be more or less interested to invest interest in it.

The first thing that some clienst must think in order to consider a product/service is whether if there is a desire for it or if it is possible. Some people first decide they want something and then they look for how to get that done. But this is a small amount of population. They are usually people who want to get things done and they have the means and determination to make it happen. They think somewhere in the world there must be someone who thought of their desire and all they have to do is to find it. These are the people who know what they want. Their sequence of acquisition is:

  1. Do I want it?” If no, then they don’t care if it exists or not. If yes, then there must be someone offering it. They want it, therefore they will get it or make it happen.

  2. Is it possible to find it?” If not, then they might have the idea for a business if there are more people who have this wish. If they want it, it is possible and they find that possibility, then…

  3. Does it serve my needs?” If no, then they keep on searching. If yes, then they buy it. They don’t waste too much time on comparison. They want it, they search for it, they buy it, they own it and that’s the end of the story.

 

Most people must first be aware that something is possible. For example, if you try to sale vision training to a person that wore glasses for 20 years, it might be impossible if you find that person doesn’t believe the services really offer what they claim. For these people, they must first become aware that something is possible and understand how that helps them. The sequence of acquisition is:

  1. Is it possible?” If it is, then wow, what does that mean? It means that I have to readjust my sense of reality. Some people are not able to do that. They don’t understand how some new technologies work and they don’t care to know because it might make their beliefs and life experiences look silly. If they decide it is not possible, then they deserve to be left alone in their own ignorance. But, if you prove to someone that your product/service can really do what it does, that does not automatically imply they will want to buy it.

  2. Do I want it?”. Does the potential customer consider any value in what’s offered? If not, then it doesn’t matter that it’s possible. For them, it isn’t, because they don’t want it. So the mere demonstration of possibility does not impact the life of the potential client, unless…

  3. Why do I need this?”. What need(s) does this product or service satisfy? When presenting something proactive to a client that needs to be convinced upon the value and the utility, one must consider the suffering that will happen unless the client decides to act on that possibility.

     

The traditional buyer does not buy something unless there is a need. This client must be in pain in order to decide to need something so much in order to buy it. Each marketer must understand that if a consumer really needs something, it doesn’t matter there isn’t enough money for it. They get it. The borrow. The work like crazy. They need it. For them, the sequence of thinking is:

  1. Do I need it?”. If not, then they don’t buy it, because they can’t afford it. If yes, then they wonder:

  2. Is it possible?”. They start searching for mechanisms that would enable them to fulfill their needs. If they don’t find it, they stop searching and get frustrated. Subconsciously, they try to fulfill that need in other ways, compensating or patching. If it is possible, they they ask the question:

  3. Do I want it?”. In this step, the potential consumer that knows their need can be fulfilled, evaluates if there are enough resources and it is worth, in the present, to acquire the solution to this. If they want it, then they might do a study in the market and take into consideration what suits their desires best. The nightmare of a salesman is a potential client that thinks it is possible for his needs to be fulfilled, but doesn’t know what he wants. This is where clients’ education from the marketers steps into place.

     



A particular confusing thinking sequence for both potential customers and suppliers is the person who uses this sequence:

  1. Do I want it?”. Well, actually, the client might want it, but what that is, is so unclear that they might expect the supplier to untangle all of their thoughts and offer them exactly what they want, without even answering some questions. These people might have problems with reality, especially if the next question they ask is:

  2. Do I need it?”. Here comes the inner conflict: if they want it and don’t think they need it, they will suppress that wish until it will unexpectedly burst, becoming an impulse acquisition or a frustration. When and if the client eventually decides it is both desirable and necessary, they ask the question that verifies the reality in the end:

  3. Is it possible?”. If it isn’t, then all the thinking, and wanting, and the needing and all the inner conflicts about it have been in vane. Some people decide very early in their life to self-sabotage their buying strategies with this sequence, especially if their definition of “possible” is downgraded to money and common experience.

     



Another conditioning perspective is the one that starts with recognizing a need and deciding to allocate certain resources for that. This goes like this:

  1. What do I need?”. This can start with an honest investigation of one’s psychological and physiological needs. Do you know how much of the population actually knows what their needs are? Very, very little. So, more likely, these needs will be expressed or confounded with…

  2. What do I want?”. Once this determined to a certain extent, comes the question:

  3. Where can I get it?”. Now you see that his is a step which actually indirectly checks the reality, that is, the actual possibility. The more unclear are the first two formulated, the most likely it is for the consumer to actually buy something they don’t need an/or want. The cycle gets repeated, until either the client comes to the conclusion what he wants/needs isn’t possible or that he doesn’t want it/need it. Time goes by, frustration accumulates, until they start to wonder how it is possible for other people to get the correspondence between want and need. I consider these buyer deserve to be either educated, or left alone, but they require a lot of resources from the salesmen and they themselves don’t have a lot of resources.

     



The marketer, businessman or salesman perspective can be represented by the following sequence, which can be kind of challenging, but very rewarding for the supplier.

  1. Is it possible?”. Really? The didn’t know that! How cool can that be!

  2. Why would somebody need that?”. If the decision makes sense, then it means others see value in it, therefore it’s a good product. If the decision doesn’t seem to make sense, the concur it’s just some fluff some eccentric people might get fooled into buying, but not them.

  3. Why would I want this?”. Once a need established, then it means the client can compare all the options of fulfilling the established needs and, if the presented product is what satisfies their criteria, then they buy tons of it and they can recommend you to others, too. But, in order to do that, you must be a good salesman. If they find out something is possible that satisfies certain needs, they will choose what they want according to their criteria and they will eat salesmen on breakfast until they find exactly what they want. And if they don’t find it, they might be able to create it.

     

Ștefan Alexandrescu

marketer, NLP practitioner

Posted in Analytic & Critic Vision Over... | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

How to Live a Perfect Life, Last Part. Steps 9-12 Out of 12, In the Right Order

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 21/11/2016

 

Part I

Part II

Part III

 stepping-stones-pixabay

9. Set rewarding excellence goals and become the best in your business

It seems that there have been many steps until here, but all your efforts will be completely rewarded. Definitely, you can only become the best in your job, organization, niche or business if you have managed to confront the typical problems swifter and effective, if you have delivered on the goals you have trained with until now and have acquired top skills that put you in front of the game of others.

I’m referring to vision and strategy: working smart for the right reasons can help you identify the 20% that bring the 80%. Now, your goals have to be daring, bold to make you control the autonomy and true independence that will make a dent and leave your name in the history. Only after you have tested and followed the whole system inside out, you can replicate it for profit at a higher scale. Take into account all the lessons, all the motivations, take a calculated risk and “shoot for the moon”! Do it again and again, be the best and work smart to stay there! You truly deserve to celebrate especially when you bring this achievement to reality after pragmatically testing options for success. Failing to do this earlier might sidetrack your efforts, take longer or bring stepbacks you can’t face on your own. Coaching is a must at this level. Modeling and mentoring also definitely works. Also, niche-specific training and skills-related training can benefit you for what you need/want here.

At this level of excellence, you also have to improve the skill of seeking, connecting and networking within groups of professionals sharing similar preoccupations, abilities and personality preferences, in order to continue to grow, learn and excel through the power of communities (see more further).

 

10. Find people who share your vision and values

Very likely, until this point of excellence, you’ve worked within teams, or in proximity or in collaboration with other people in your life experience. At a certain point, you decide to let go of unfulfilled expectations, go with the flow and get social, not only for business networking, but as well for deeper human connection.

Of course, it’s not about connecting with people who have been put there by someone else or by random design (like in school or in a company where you were hired). It’s about connecting with people you can actually test and recognize as having approximately similar values, visions and experiences.

After each of you have had your successful experiences, you can get together to share your wisdom, learn one from the other and create a win-win-win community. Trying to do so earlier implies the risks of having your good intentions work for somebody else’s individual limited benefit, or mistaking you illusions/expectations for reality, or mistaking a functioning system for a community.

You can prepare for this step by joining and working with/for people who have a track record of creating both individual success based on strategy and team success bases on collaboration. Volunteering for a cause you cherish can also be helpful in opening up new horizons of harmony in the human experience. Just find some people who are already doing or thinking what you like and give them a hand! Other ideas: personal development thematic groups, periodical skills-based training within a community.

In order to fully enjoy this level of development, it is necessary to develop close personal and professional relationships with others. In these instances, it must be OK to share warmth, caring, attention, empathy, protection (strength, guidance, direction), disclosure and listening. Why? For the purpose of creating a harmonic team that works for everyone, which can bring consensual guiding for each interested, for long term. This is what deep social interaction can mean when people live and act for the causes they share.

 

11. Learn more outside of your area of expertise

Hopefully, there come a time when, after years and years, you can not only be the best in your niche, but you can do it quite effortlessly, even in your sleep. This is the moment to continue developing your other talents. Learn something new. Get deeper knowledge of your field. Get a new hobby. Enjoy a healthy life. If you feel bored or that it’s time for a big change, consider developing skills for a different field you might be talented in.

This time, integrate all the resources (time, money, people you know, all that you studied) to make the most out of the new learning. In the beginning, it may be a little hard to get used to make more effort to succeed at something (because everything is so easy when you’re an expert), but the more you learned, the easiest it is to learn more, because of the many synapses that are already there and in function.

This step should allow you to find more peace within yourself, without control in the group or of the resources. You may reinvent yourself and succeed in ways you wouldn’t have dreamed of being possible. This can be a great period if associated with having children and becoming a parent, or a grandparent. You can only truly live at this level if you have made profit out of your strategy, you have developed functioning networks of authentic communication with peers and are able to see the bigger picture.

The few experts who can work at this level have the ability to work intuitively with large chunks of information to find patterns, may they be in vocational, professional, personal or recreational areas.

If you decide to succeed in a second or third field later in life, after having success in just one or two professional fields, it will be faster for you. The learning must be tailored to your needs. Please feel free to use consulting, coaching, mentoring, modeling and especially training. If you have truly reached this level, you already know how important that is and how to use such services.

 

12. Redefine the purpose of your life as having a higher meaning

At some moment, each of us searches and sometimes finds the meaning of life. There are plenty of answers, but usually people find a religious meaning, which is connected with having an impact beyond the material world.

Of course, at several points in your existence, the meaning of life can be defined as chasing or living your dreams, to seek happiness, to discover and better oneself, becoming the best achievable self. Seeking the wisdom, you will probably redefine the levels at which you can make a contribution, both personally and professionally. But, at a very special moment, preferably before you die, you may allow yourself to truly let go of roles, duties and social expectations.

This is how you can tend to touch perfection through living, only to become aware of how little you know. That’s why your contribution has to stay with the others after you die. A life worth living is a life that you would find hard to leave from or give up. The true inner benefit of others, making the difference through what you do, say and inspire, is what starts guiding your intentions.

You know you can do better and you are grateful for the chance to act justly and wise, love and give unconditionally. Reaching this, you have found the beauty and the sorrow in your life: you have now started to get the hugeness of the human spirit, the bearing on your deeds and the shortness of life. It’s worth talking about this with a priest. I have personally found the meaning of life in Orthodox Christianity. I have the rest of my life to live it by rediscovering it in my existence, though applying what I have found.

 

Some final thoughts

I haven’t done all of these steps in this order, but at least now I found the tools that can connect them logically, structurally and scientifically. There is a moment in some lives when everything comes to a circle. You get the final piece of the puzzle, although I’m afraid most people don’t really live this sensation.

Now I am ready for rebooting my journey, faster and together with those who want to experience what I’ve written about here. Often times, when we are confronted with a problem, we don’t quite know what’s the map of that problem, what are its roots and especially, what might be the solutions. Although I don’t have solutions in consulting, theories in learning and questions in coaching for all the possible problems, it’s very likely I know where you are and how to support you to get not only where you want to go, but where you need to go. Blow away your inner obstacles and become who you were meant to be!

I am doing this because I am here to serve you, not to please you. Now you know the truth. Act on it! Change your life now! Follow the steps I have set for you in this article and become part of my life journey! Let’s put some wind in your sails!

 

PS: Thanks to Corina Andreea Popa for the practical suggestions and feed-back on this article before publishing.

Ștefan Alexandrescu

professional development consultant, trainer and coach

0040 729 034 883

Posted in Debug Your Mind | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

How to Live a Perfect Life, part III. Steps 5-8 Out of 12, In the Right Order

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 17/11/2016

I started writing last month a new series of articles, out of which I am now publishing part 3 of 4. You may read part I here. and part II here.

 

5. Prioritize in working with the appropriate limits.

If you have a problem, put to practice the opposite (go to goal). If you have too little options, get creative. If you have too many, reduce them. If you get overwhelmed, get some distance. Find the cause and get a right tool to move on! Still, in stead of getting the appropriate internal and external resources, some people self-sabotage themselves in starting with the easiest or the toughest thing, mislabeling the importance or the urgency of some issues. Thus, they manage to overwhelm themselves and get stuck.This can be done with the positive intention of feeling good for accomplishing some work, but this intention can be better served by learning to chunk the learning and the changing work in appropriate milestones for each.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, healing can’t be done in a session, brilliance doesn’t come over night and genius doesn’t (usually) knock on your door. Learn to take what you have/want to do step by step, bit by bit and learn how to plan and evaluate what you’ve done by establishing training and development goals. This is the kind of inner work that will later bring great external results that show in time and last. Some people might notice your efforts. Most might not. But you are doing it for yourself. If you can’t manage in prioritizing, get at least 1-2 sessions from a consultant, coach or career counselor. It saves you at least 10 times the money you pay for it. The keys here are balance and comparing oneself with the own better version, not others. Different people have different limits and they shouldn’t be (too harshly) punished for it.

 

6. Express yourself through your talent(s) in the appropriate environment.

Let’s say you discovered your weak and strong points (like I’ve written here), you worked on some of the major issues and had some experiences working through homework, projects, trials and volunteering putting to practice what you’ve efficiently learned theoretically. This is the moment when you may choose whether you start working for non-profit, get hired, freelance, create a business as an entrepreneur or invest, and in what precisely.

It is appropriate in this stage to find the right place for yourself inside an existing system, that you will learn for a few years inside out. This is your road of taking the chance to become a specialist: the right person in the right place. If you want a job, you have to search for a right one, to prepare for it, to hunt it and to give it your best shot, in the best organization you possibly can.

Your chances can be highly influenced by what you accomplished in the previous steps and sometimes that doesn’t matter at all. What matters here is to get, besides the job content-related skills, also the labor market general skills (such as personal branding, time management, copywriting), the technological skills (software and hardware) and the right procedures to integrate your work with already functioning procedures, procedures, standards and criteria.

You have to accept you have limited control over a system you’re learning and that you have to go through all (or most) of it before trying to change it. First, you accept, then you can work with what you’ve got and make the best of it. If you are able to put first your long term goals even if it means being payed less, that might well be on your path to professional success and personal fulfillment. Even if you get started as a freelancer or an entrepreneur, you have to use the system you learned to get recognition, experience and the beginning in your success. Here you need mentoring, modeling, coaching, or consulting. Labor market skills specifically related training also can make a great difference.

This is the time to explore, express, drive and develop your own unconscious resources and structures in directions, fields, positions, roles through appreciated differentiation, testing and respecting boundaries between self and others. Allow yourself now to quest for abundance through scalability and strategically develop performance in competition with similar and special other individuals. Each person has talents. May each of them work best at what they wisely choose!

 

 

7. Get resources and make choices to increase your freedom

We are almost halfway on this road of personal and professional development and fulfillment. Right about now, many people stumble and try to compensate what they didn’t have earlier in life. This is a “perfect” time to make life-ruining decisions by getting into debt, choosing the wrong life partner, wasting time indulging in distractions, buying useless toys or spending more than you can make. Usually, the material success comes after years of trials and errors, hard work of making the best of your opportunities. In the beginning, it might not be as you expected, and you career might not be on the straight-up arrow you hoped (hallucinated). But the success is closer than you think.

If at this point you stay satisfied by earning a fixed income no matter how much you work and don’t save much, chances are you won’t ever break out of this financial vicious circle. Of course, one of the labor market related skills I was writing about in the previous points is financial intelligence (that is, if you haven’t learned it until college). Getting resources means making more than you spend, saving up or investing the difference, so that you have profit, not debt. Based on your choices, you can increase, maintain or decrease your freedom. In this step, increasing financial intelligence through personal study, consulting and training or even coaching definitely counts. This is an appropriate moment to get aware that you can’t do everything and delegate what you can afford and don’t know too well/like too much. You may also use this tool.

 

8. Let live and let go. Forgive yourself and others.

You’re not perfect. If you’ve gone through years of study and practice, it’s likely that you’ve had your failures and successes, hopefully more successes. But you have been confronting your limits, and you know each person has them. Now, after gearing yourself in the right field, the right place, the right tools, the right environment, forget about how you were affected by what didn’t work and keep just the good things and the knowledge from the previous failures, especially those which you might initially blame on others.

Now you are responsible for what happens in your life, meaning that you have the power to change. You can be a compassionate, level-headed adult. So forgive others who didn’t have your resources, your vision, your “map”. Now you do and you deserve to be a model. You know you are responsible to improve yourself, just like others are for themselves.

This might be a good moment, if you haven’t, until now, to cut some bad ties and to heal some old ones, given that it’s possible. You can’t change the past and you can’t change others. The others are responsible for themselves.You are responsible for yourself. Ask forgiveness from those you have wronged.

You may be free to decide who to become and where to go from now on. Learn to love the ones who have hurt you and separate their behavior from their identities once and for all. Your heart is full. They can’t hurt you anymore. If you have trouble with that, get some help from a psychotherapist or a very good NLP practitioner. If it helps you, write about your emotions. Express yourself authentically while becoming a better version of yourself. It’s also helpful to create a gratefulness list (to which people do you thank and why).

 

 

Your road continues from here. Read on next week!

PS: Thanks to Corina Andreea Popa for the practical suggestions and feed-back on this article before publishing.

Ștefan Alexandrescu

professional development consultant, trainer and coach

0040 729 034 883

Posted in Debug Your Mind | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

How to Live a Perfect Life, part II. The First 4 Out of 12 Steps, In the Right Order

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 13/11/2016


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I started writing last week a new series of articles, out of which I am now publishing part 2 of 4. You may read part I here.

 

  1. Know yourself.

I know this kind of advice, “know thyself”, is very vague as for some people it might mean meditation, traveling around the Earth or reading the horoscope. What I refer to is none of these, but actually abandoning the idea that you are a victim and get strategic, actionable intelligence about how your mind works and, even better, how other people’s minds work. This can be done through work which can be expensive, in time and money, and you won’t like all that you find. It involves completing extensive personality questionnaires, getting payed interpretations from experts about what are your weak and strong points, your downfalls and your talents and reading specialty books about how these work and how to use the information to find your path.

In my life experience and in working with clients, one’s dealing with own self after 360 degrees evaluations and/or psychometric evaluations is usually emotionally consuming, but priceless, because it helps you make major decisions such as in what country/city to work, what to study and what career to choose. Not knowing yourself or delaying this moment means thousands of hours possibly lost doing something you don’t like, or you’re not good at, or not worth your resources.

There are some people who say “nobody can tell you who you are” and “life experience is best” because “we all have our own lives”. In my opinion, such perspectives may be related to the fact that these people most often don’t like to know the truth, weren’t taught to learn or have had a lot of criticism around the paths to be chosen and want to make their own point in order to grow. This is also a path, one which can build character (the best case), waste a lot of time and opportunities for development and disrespect the objectivity, professionalism and life experience of HR profilers. Usually, the parents should be preoccupied during the education of the kids of which would be their strengths and talents, but if they aren’t, the children must be able to trust some sort of authority for career guidance in life.

 

 

  1. Learn to learn.

There are differences between growing up, education and animals’ training, but somehow all these get messed up and mixed up in the process known as “school”. It happens right around the period of time when real learning should happen, preferably through modeling and best through modeling for practical learning and efficient theoretical learning by speed reading, memory techniques and concentration. Also, lately, in the past decade and even more in the following, most of the learning, modeling and concentration abilities of kids will vanish before highschool.

Of course, you can learn these also later in life, but until then, there is the guarantee that you will get frustrated or traumatized through what is called “formal education”, lose considerable amount of resources (especially time and money) in bad decisions, inefficient work and limited liberties. I have always considered learning how to learn as the fundamental basis of personal development.

During this period of life, children (or adolescents) should have a balance between their psychological needs for learning, exploration, development and modeling, and their other emotional needs. For example, they must have freedom to express themselves and play even while making some mistakes without being overly criticized. Learning to learn after highschool usually opens up the door to emotional, sensitive traumas connected to inefficient education within family and/or school system. From my experience, the people who weren’t taught to love to learn and/or who were very traumatized by caretakers, teachers, professors or colleagues don’t even want to read and out it goes for the rest of their lives the concept of “personal development”.



 

  1. Learn to change, starting with what stops you.

This is another seemingly counter-intuitive step, as opposed to concentrating first on your qualities and dismissing your weak points. But now, there have been developed and discovered countless techniques and approaches in psychotherapy and personal development areas (such as schema therapy, transactional analysis, coaching and NLP) that you can find resources to deal with your problems, no matter how serious they may be. Chances are that if you’re young, your life is not perfect and you’ve had traumas, limiting beliefs, no matter how great the education received in the family was. The longer you waste time avoiding them, not solving them or fighting with what you don’t like, the harder it will be for you when you fall from the success you try to build for yourself on a house of sand.

If you develop, let’s say (a mere example), your professional abilities but neglect family issues, your performance will at a certain point become limited because of the lessons not learned at the right moment and you will have to go back to a certain level of development in order to truly accept yourself, unconditionally, with all the terrible issues you’ve been through. The more you prolong this waiting, the more chances are you might lose at least some of what you build on faulty bases. After you know yourself, you have to accept yourself, and then decide what to change, and in what order. This is capital. There is no way around that. Based on how the serious your problems are, you might need the help of a psychiatrist, or a psychotherapist, or a psychological counselor. In other, more mild cases, a coach or a personal development consultant can suffice. You can consult with a Mental Health Facilitator to decide. Dismissing this under the rug increases the chances of developing a mental disease later in life.

The parents which want to facilitate their children’s access to change must give them examples of balancing different aspects, contexts and needs in life, such as that between work and play, between their own needs and others’ needs, between internal and external beauty, between exploring and expressing their inner world and listening and knowing the outer world. This is very difficult and can’t always be obtained because no parent is perfect, but whatever you want to inspire in the direction of personal positive change, must be lived as an appropriate example.



 

  1. Cultivate your potential through learning and practice.

Most people develop through facing problems, getting kicked in the behind. But the ones who outlive the previous step know the value of orienting oneself towards goals. While or after changing key aspects of your issues, it is worth to get specific training appropriate for your natural talents, inclinations and gifts. Getting the psychometric evaluations before college helps you choose a right career and prepare for a University which will help you excel. The next step is to study on your own the theories which will help you be a good practitioner and exercise in order to train your skills and get experience. Knowing yourself also enables you to choose an appropriate job, at the right place in an organization or to choose a niche for your business as a freelancer or entrepreneur. It is worth investing somewhere between at least 10.000-100.000 $/ for your formal + informal education in the right field for your talents (I am only referring to University+master period).

Not knowing yourself before studying means risking the same amount or (most likely) more and years of your youth doing something you won’t practice so well later, leading to disappointment, mediocrity and sometimes big failure. Also, not solving your main inner challenges before or in the time that you’re dedicating cultivating your potential means you will be as strong as your weakest link (which will definitely break sooner or later). Also, as an alternative or a complementary to training, you can now learn by reading, watching video seminars, participating in webinars and especially getting customized consulting, coaching or mentoring from specialists in the niches you want to model in.

The people who only rely on faculty and job training will be soon replaced by robots and immigrant labor force in this century. They might also be aware of this too late when it may be to expensive to really change something. I am confronted with this when I talk to people in their 30s or 40s who realize they have chosen a wrong career and they try hard to perform in a job they hate and they want all the results really fast, like I would be supposed to do in a few sessions what they haven’t done in self-knowledge, learning and practice all of their lives. Progresses can be made at any age, but harder and with bigger costs (especially time and money) and sacrifices (especially for those who have families).



 

PS: Thanks to Corina Andreea Popa for the practical suggestions and feed-back on this article before publishing.

Ștefan Alexandrescu

professional development consultant, trainer and coach

0040 729 034 883

Posted in Debug Your Mind | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

How to Live a Perfect Life, part I

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 31/10/2016

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The journey of life in my youth

In my life, I remember I missed 2 chances of telling the story of my life’s journey. Once, it was a blogging contest in which I didn’t have time to properly compete, but I promised the organizer of the contest, a well respected Romanian blogger, I will think about it and write. Another time, I was invited to tell the story of my life in a 15 minutes speech from a transgenerational perspective and I hesitated.

I now have more. I have put together everything I have learned through the study of communication sciences, economy, psychology and personal development and everything in my experience, knowledge and practice. Thus, I like to think I have discovered the solutions of living a full life, a life worth living and satisfy your values, whichever they might be.

In the end, looking upon the steps I found, I must admit it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise. Given the theoretical knowledge I had even in, let’s say, 2007, I could have written generally, this series of articles that I’m beginning today. Unfortunately, it would have been without the tools, the words and the precision I now have after working myself with these tools and with different clients, assisting them in major breakthroughs.

  

The limiting beliefs of others

In my ’20s, I was told quite often things like:

  • You claim to know things of too various fields. You have to specialize and get just a few things right.

  • It’s no wonder so few people buy your services: it’s hard for them to believe you actually know so much being so young.

  • You claim too much attention and offer too little credibility for most people to get interested.

  • Who do you think you are? Nobody dares to ask so many questions!

  • It’s not nice to criticize people in public, you’d better mind your own business ’cause you’re not perfect.

  • Your life is all work and no fun.

  • When are you going to settle down, get a job, build a family?

  

There’s a right time for everything

Now many of the people who told me these kind of things are either over their heads in debt, stuck, sick, depressed, alone or in a combination of these things. Somewhere along the implementation of their life beliefs, something went wrong. They don’t know what. Even I didn’t knew what until recently. They tried to do the things in the wrong order and they got stuck. Some sooner, other later. Some of them have some failsafes or resources and keep on going on. Others keep on heading towards social disasters and even worse, inner disasters. Therefore, what is the correct order and why?

I am aware that for those of you who charish options so much that you think that any procedural approach would suck the juice out of life, this might be too much of a cookie. I’m not saying that you can’t succeed in your life or in your career unless you do the following steps in this particular order. I’m just saying that you won’t be living at your full potential and you’ll likely get stuck at some point.

Of course, taking each of these steps is something you need to be rewarded for and congratulated, since I reckon that the large majority of the population of Earth get none.

  

Program yourself for success

Human beings are born with an emotional wireframe and with talents. In order to live a rich and fulfilling life, each person must discover and develop his/her talents in order to create and to share with others. Through sinergy, the people thrive.

In order to use their specific talents that make them special and develop sinergy, people must respect their emotional wireframe. In order to do that, they need proper emotional education, which is supposed to be offered by parents or caretakers.

There are certain natural levels of development. Each level is appropriate for a certain period in life. In order to develop, people must experience proper working of their emotional wireframe. This new series of articles presents which are, in my opinion, some steps for development in the right order.

If (as it often happens) the parents/caretakers have provided partially improper software for using this emotional wireframe, the future adult gets stuck in emotional issues, limiting beliefs and wastes resources (especially time) in stead of developing.

What helps you get to a certain level stops you from going to the next one. In order to fully experience a certain level of development and let go of inferior levels, people need to fix maladaptive schemas (disfunctional life strategies). Such schemas are not being fixed just by replacing the software (what you think and feel), because the wireframe has also been damaged through improper use (traumas, abuses, failures). Therefore, a mixed approach implying emotional and rational techniques must be used for setting the course right. Fixing maladaptive schemas will not magically “break the spell” of the misfunctioning wireframe, but it may provide the behavioral flexibility to generate new experiences of properly using the wireframe (“powerful positive experiences”).

Obviously, using the emotional wireframe correctly leads to positive emotions and development, so evolution. Using the wireframe incorrectly leads to negative emotions and psychiatric illness, so involution.

So, if you did any of these steps until now, in no matter what order, than congratulations! If you did two of these steps, it means you have moved. If you did three steps, it means that you discovered how to walk. Did you do that in the right direction? But you have to master all 12 in order to dance and shine. Are you ready? Please take this as an exercise in thought as in November I will publish the rest of the articles from the new series „How to Live a Perfect Life”.

Ștefan Alexandrescu

professional development consultant, trainer and coach

0040 729 034 883

Copyright (C) Ștefan Alexandrescu, October 2016

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Procedure for Changing Metaprograms

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 20/07/2011

Changing Meta Programs

(http://www.nlpls.com/articles/metaPrograms.php)

STEP 1:  Identify the Meta Program you wish to change.

a. Specifically identify and fully describe when, where and with whom you are using it that does not serve you well.

b. Specifically identify and fully describe how it does not serve you well.

STEP 2:  Describe fully the Meta Program you would prefer.

a. Specifically identify and fully describe when, where and with whom you would like this new Meta Program to govern your perceptions, awareness and consciousness.

b. Specifically identify and fully describe how it will server you better.

STEP 3:  Try it on.

a. Physically change your location to another chair or standing spot.

b. Imagine adopting the new Meta Program in a fully associated way.

c. Pretend to use it, sorting, perceiving, attending, thinking, feeling, etc.

d. Notice how it feels, how things look, how it seems, what thoughts occur to you. Feel free to walk around with it a bit if you like, experiencing what it would be like to use this new Meta Program. Expect that it might seem a little strange at first because it is new and unfamiliar. Notice what other feelings besides discomfort arise with it.

e. Imagine some specific contexts where you think this Meta Program will serve you better.

STEP 4:  First Ecology Check

a. Step Out of the ‘try on’ experience and move to a new location, leaving it behind.

b. In this new location, adopt the state of mind of an detached but interested observer who can review, from a distance, the ‘try on’ experience you just had.

c. Check it out. What occurs to you right away?

d. Check it out from a standpoint of the low to mid neurological levels. That is, what will this new Meta program do for you in terms of perceiving, behaving, capabilities, beliefs and values.

e. Check it out at the identity level. What “kind of person” would it begin to make you?

f. Check out its broader effects. What effects would it have on the rest of your life and other people?

g. What effects would it have on your spirituality?

STEP 5:  Second Ecology Check

a. Move back to the original physical location — where you were when you were doing steps 1 and 2.

b. Go inside yourself and respectfully submit this question to your entire inner being and all your parts: “Does any part of me have any objection to making this change, or to making this change in this way?”

c. Allow yourself to be still and quiet for a few minutes as you openly wait for any new thoughts or objections to make themselves known to you.

d. If there are any objections, acknowledge them and say an internal “Thank you” for the communication. Make a note of them and continue.

e. Specifically identify how, when, where and with whom the old Meta Program served you in some positive way(s). What secondary gains does it provide that will be important to preserve?

f. How will you preserve them?

STEP 6:  Take Care of Ecology

a. Address any conflicts, objections or incongruities. Use any other NLP processes that may be useful and appropriate, such as reframing or redefining, so that all objections are taken care of and you have resolved the old emotions, thoughts, beliefs, decisions, etc.

b. If you have difficulty addressing any of these incongruities, if any are persistent or difficult to resolve, Stop Here — for now. You can return to this process after they have been thoroughly addressed. Consider exploring other NLP processes to address them in different ways. If you can use help with this, make arrangements to consult with a professional NLP practitioner until they are resolved.

c. When you’re “good to go” and all of your systems give you the green light, continue.

STEP 7:  Permission

a. Give yourself permission to install the new Meta Program for a specific period of time. This can be anywhere from several hours, to several days, to a week or two.

b. Make the internal agreement that at the end of that time, you can decide to keep the new Meta Program, extend it for a longer trial period, or switch back to the old one.

c. At this point in the process, a person can install a new Meta Program simply by giving permission to use it.

d. To strengthen it, move back to the physical location you used during the “Try it on” process (Step 3), and “map it across” to your original physical location. This is done by fully associating back into the “Try it on” state, getting the full sense of it again, then making internal arrangements to create a mental symbol or a few words which will represent the experience. Then walk the symbol or words over to your original position and take a few moments to accept and integrate the symbol or words into your consciousness. Allow it to “self-organize” in its own way, and allow yourself to experience the new Meta Program again.

STEP 8:  Final Ecology Check

a. Go inside and check to make sure all is well and you are excited and looking forward to using this new Meta Program for the time period you have specified.

b. If any last minute ecology issues arise, temporarily put a ‘hold’ on your permission, walk the symbol or words back to the “Try it on” location, leave them there, and return to your original position and state. Then go back to Step 6.

c. When all is well and you are “good to go,” continue.

STEP 9:  Future Pace

a. Practice, in your imagination, using the Meta Program in as many future contexts as you like, until it feels comfortable and familiar.

b. Return to the present and enjoy your new Meta Program!

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Meta Modalities

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 18/07/2011

This is Meta to all NLP patterns. It is also a pattern of influence and transformation for everything we do.

ASSOCIATE –The step that often gets skipped is the first one. In other words you have to first associate them intensely enough to the problem to get all the neural networks lit up, so the later work gets attached to what the problem was. If not, the work may get attached to something else that it does not need to be attached to. We have to find out what the problem is. What do we say or do to get a strong association to it? What is it? What is the problem? Get them into the problem. See what they look like when they are in the problem, in it’s here and now. What are all the possible questions, just by them considering the question, I can ask a person that will assist them in associating to the problem without them having to say anything to me? You look at them, calibrating until you get them associated. Take a snapshot.

 

DISSOCIATE – Most problems are heavily associated and we can’t dissociate on our own. What do we need to say or do to get them to dissociate and discover resources? Get them into a resource state by going for what is NOT the problem. Go for what is NOT the problem. Basically, relative to what isn’t is moving them up towards resources. Stepping out of the problem gets them unstuck for a while. Observe them. See what they look like. Calibrate. When they are in a good state, chunk-down Meta Model style deeper into the good state. Anchor.

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The Psychometric Measurement of the Self-Esteem by Ştefan Alexandrescu

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 23/06/2011

Scientific abstract

This dissertation paper is comprised of: (a) An analytical and critical approach of the following concepts specific to the psychology of the personality: Self-Esteem Level (SEL), Self-Esteem Stability (SES), Self-Confidence (SC), respect, Self-Respect (SR), ego, narcissism, Frame Of Reference (FOR), ego strenght, pride, character, risk taking, thinking scenario (TS), motivation direction – in the purpose of structuring and differentiating between them – and (b) A research conducted using a psychometric quantitative multidimensional questionnaire, a qualitative inquiry and graphological analysis.

The concepts used in this work come from six areas: Psychology of personality (either for individual, educational or organizational use), psychotherapy, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), graphological analysis, transactional analysis (specifically the dramatic triangle comprised within the Karpmann formula) and coaching.

The fields which to which this research has implications or to which it may provide potential insight are: Psychology of personality, organizational psychology, NLP, graphological analysis, methodological research design, life coaching, transactional analysis and psychotherapy.

The main findings of this dissertation, argued by both the meta-analysis and research sections:

  • Self-Esteem (SE) has two different, separate, independent components, which produce different effects:Self-Esteem Level and Self-Esteem Stability. Although neither the previous or the current research clearly establishes a definite structure for any of these, the disseration study correlates in findings to previous approaches and argues based on data the differences proposed as hypothesis;

  • Self-Esteem is a complex, heterogenous psychological metatype, comprised of several concepts, which cannot be simply explained by two or three dimensions easy to describe. It is a metatype, not a metaprogram (MP);

  • Self-Respect and Self-Esteem are categorically separate, individual and independent concepts;

  • Self-Esteem differs from Self-Confidence, although it is not clear whether Self-Confidenceis a part of Self-Esteem (as some sources and own research data seems to indicate) or it is an independent standing concept, in the manner Self-Respect is to Self-Esteem;

  • Narcissism and ego are not dimensions underlining the high Self-Esteem, they are individual different concepts, which rather correlate either with low Self-Esteem or with unstable Self-Esteem, may they manifest as complexes of superiority or as complexes of inferiority;

  • Self-Esteem is a concept rather different from ego strenght and character;

  • Important, fundamental components of Self-Esteem Level are: TS and the degree of goal management;

  • Self-Esteem Level and Self-Esteem Stability can be measured graphologically;

  • Self-Respect is a concept related to respect, in connection with others. It is not clear yet, from the data available, either from previous or current research, which are the definite characteristics of the concepts, relations, but based on concept investigating and on data provided by current research, one cannot investigate self-respect without measuring the relationships each individual has with others;

  • A fundamental behavioral aspect about Self-Esteem is the response to external stimuli, such as: challenge, failure, conflict, distress and violence, either verbally of physically, including especially bullying;

  • Assertiveness plays a major role in correlation with either Self-Esteem Stability or Self-Respect (at the moment unclear, because obtained data does not correlate with theory and previous research in this aspect);

  • The qualitative and quantitative research offer similar findings. The external validitity for this study is not solid, but acceptable;

  • There are conceptual and research findings which support clear directions for future research.

Th e questionnaire development started 2007. The practical research has been applied in 2009-2010 in a population of pupils in the 12th grade in Bucharest highschools (N=123), aged 17-19, taking into consideration the construction of a psychometric scientifically valid instrument for measuring Self-Esteem, using both quantitative and qualitative methods. While the quantitative part has been structured starting from a work of psychotherapists, not researchers, the results have proven to be consistent with similar data findings among previous works.

Key Concepts in this disseration:acceptance, agression, assertiveness, away from, challenge response, character, coaching, communication, competence, conditional, unconditional, depression, development, dignity,distress, dramatic triangle, ego strenght, ego, emotional self-control, external, failure, fame, feed-back, frame of reference, future, goal, graphology, gratitude, happiness, health, high self-esteem, high self-respect,independence, inferiority complex, ingratitude, internal, low self-respect,low, self-esteem,metaprogram, metatype, mistake, motivation direction, narcissism, neuro-linguistic programming, NLP, optimism, persecutor, persistence, personal branding, pessimism, portrait, pride, psychotherapy, reaction to uncertainty, respect, risk taking, saviour, self-acceptance, self-confidence, self-esteem level, self-esteem stability, self-esteem, self-knowledge, self-respect, sense of orientation, sensitiveness, stable, superiority complex, support, teens, thinking scenario, towards, trust, type, unstable, vainglory,victim, virtue, wishful thinking.

 

 

 

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The Meta-Programs correspondence in HR tools

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 14/06/2011

This is a table of correspondence of the meta-programs [en, wiki] .

This is fundament for both my dissertation papers for obratining the masters degree in career consulting and in managerial communication and human resources. It is also the only correspondence table available ANYWHERE online on metaprograms. You are looking at a specialised evaluation.

nr. crt

Sursa teoretică originală

Metaprogramul

(Hall & Bodenhamer)

LAB Profile

(Shelle Rose Charvet)

Extended

LAB Profile

(Ştefan Alexandrescu)

Identity Compass (H. Arne Maus)

IWAM

(Patrick Merlevede)

The Motivation Profile

(Jay Arthur)

1

Scope (Ed Klima)

Scale / Chunk Size

Working Scope

Dimensiunea informaţiei

Information Size

Task Orientation

Focus

2

Jung 1922: Sensing VS Intuition; Florence Kasai, 1990

Epistemological

Tipul informaţiei

Thinking Style

Work Approach

3

Equivalence range R.W Gardner 1953

Relationship Sort

Decision Factors

Factori decizionali

Comparison

Relationship Sorting

Response to Change

4

Equivalence range R.W Gardner 1953

Relationship Sort

Reaction

5

Jung 1922: Judgmental VS Perceptive

Frame of Reference

Motivation Source

Sursa Motivaţiei /

Cadrul de referinţă

Reference

Evaluation Reference

Motivation Program 2: Internal-External

6

Jung 1922: feeling VS Thinking

Movie Position

Stress response

Răspunsul la stress

7

Alfred Korzybski

Convincer Representation

Convincer Channel

Canalul de convingere

Convincer Channel

Input represenation

8

Building a complex equivalence as function of Frequency, tempo, duration(NLP)

Convincer Demonstration:

Convincer Strategy

Strategia de convingere

Convincer Strategy

Interpretation Process

9

Pleasure Principle (Freud)

Direction Sort

Motivation Direction

Direcţiamotivaţiei

Direction

Action Direction

Motivation Program 1: Toward-Away From

10

Transactional ana­ly­sis (Berne 1962, 1972)

Operational Style

Motivation Reason

Cauza

Planning Style

Task Attitude

Motivation Program 1: Options- Procedures

11

Transactional ana­ly­sis (Berne 1962, 1972)

Modus Operandi

Motivation Reason

Operatorul Modal

12

Separates by Person, Place, Time, Action, Activity (DOTAR 1980)

Preference Sort

Primary Interest

Interest Filters

Personal Priorities

13

Blake & Mouton

Preference Sort

Working Organization

Organizarea muncii

Work Orientation

14

Jung 1922 Extroversion VS introversion

Affiliation and Management Sort

Working Style

Stil

Working Style

Work Environment Type

15

Individualism VS collectivism: Talcott Parsons 1951

Management

Work Assignment Type

16

Universalism – particularism Talcott Parsons 1951

Affiliation and Management Sort

Rule Structure

Structura regulilor

Norming

17

Jung 1922 Extroversion VS introversion ;

Universalism – particularism Talcott Parsons 1951

Affiliation and Management Sort

Management Style

18

Jung 1922 Extroversion VS introversion

Attention

Attention Direction

Primary Attention

Communication Sort

19

Proaction-Reaction, Bales 1950

Somatic response Style

Energy Level

Level of Activity

Action Level

Motivation Program 4: Active-Passive

20

Abraham Maslow

Value Sort

Criteria

Criterii de suprafaţă

Value Sort

Criteria

Criterii nucleu

Value Sort

Criteria

Criterii de prag 1

Value Sort

Criteria

Criterii de prag 2

Prime Concerns

Prime Concerns Rang 1

Prime Concerns Rang 2

21

Alfred Korzybski

Representational

Sensory Channel

Communication Style

22

Mc Clelland 1953 Motivational Types (power, affiliation, achievement)

Hierarchical Dominant Sort

Motives

McClelland‘s Motivational Types: Hierarchical Criteria

23

Kluckhohn & Strodtbeck, 1961

Time Zones

Time Orientation

Temporal Processing

Time Lines

24

Quality of Life

Style of Experience

Initiation Style

Initiation Style

25

Jung 1922: feeling VS Thinking

Information Kind

Tipul informaţiei

26

William James

Time Experience

Linia timpului: in time-meta time

Claritatea liniei timpului

Nivelul liniei timpului

Linia timpului: dreaptă-frântă

Bibliography:

Alexandrescu, Ştefan – Filtering distinctions, metaprograms and metatypes,The Metaprograms Experts Group, Published Privately (Restricted access to a community of 30+ experts worldwide), January 2008

Engel, Gregory; Arthur, Jay – The Motivation Profile Guidebook,Lifestar, Denver, Colorado, USA, 2000

Charvet, Shelle Rose – Words That Change Minds,second Edition, Kendall/Hunt Publishing Company, Dubuque, Iowa, USA,1997

Charvet, Shelle Rose – Understanding and Triggering Motivation, The Lab Profile. Audiobook Companion to book “Words that Change Minds.”, 1995

Gambardella, Pascal, MetaProgram references and Rosetta Stone, in Perceptual Genius Training, Washington, USA, 2008

Hall, Michael L, PhD; Bodenhamer, Bobby G., D.Min;  Figuring Out People. Reading people using Meta-Programs, second edition, Crown House Publishing, Ltd, Bancyfelin, Carmarthen, Wales, UK, August 2005.
Merlevede, Patrick – Categories within iWAM, 2000 retrieved at13th of June 2011 from http://jobeq.com/categories.php

Howard, Christopher – NLP & Leadership Master Practitioner Audiotraining, California, 2003

Merlevede, Patrick – Putting NLP Metaprograms Research in context: Studying the scientific validity of NLP, 2000, retrieved at13th of June 2011 from http://www.jobeq.com/articles/NLP_Research.htm

Szekely, Andy – Declanşatorii motivaţiei. LAB Profile, training manual, Editura AS, Bucureşti, 2006

Woodmsall, Wyatt – Metaprograms, Next Step Press, Vienna, Virginia, USA, 1988

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What Questions to Ask Your Psychologist

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 17/05/2010

[later edit: welcome to the most read article of this blog. enjoy!]

Last week I have met a former client of mine who asked me how to figure out weather the psychologist he is seeking for counseling is more or less competent. So a good question came into my mind. I would like to share with you my own subjective opinion on that.

The psychological & psychotherapeutical market in Romania has developed during the last years, although themselves the service providers don’t pretty much have any clue on how to promote their services. I know the situation is different around the world, so my suggestions won’t be limited to Romania, but applyable all around the world.

Besides that, there are plenty of specialists, among which you can suraly find a good one. So I will give you some suggestions on what to pay attention to.

First of all, stay away from any service providers who are deeply in love with one specific method or type of psychotherapy. A good psychologist, even if (s)he is specialized in one particular form or method of intervention, must know different and alternative approaches and must be able to provide reasons for why (s)he picked it. That is, (s)he can offer argumented opinions on differences between the approaches (s)he studied and must be able to say why (s)he chose a particular specialization. Also, (s)he must be able to tell you on what kind of problems their specialization works better on. Considering different types of problems, there are different types of suitable approaches.

For example, for troubles in childhood which affect the present life of the client, short-term therapy will not do. It might work: psychoanalysis, transactional analysis, psychodrama, hypnosis, cognitive-behavioral approach. It might provide less effects: neuro-linguistic programming  or jungian psychotherapy.

For anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder or burnout, you would use neuro-linguistic programming, hypnosis, cognitive-behavioral approach and even psychiatry but rather not psychoanalysis.

So a good services provider must tell you what type of problems does what (s)he’s good at solves. (S)he might even give you examples of types of problems which he solved of a certain kind. The worst kind of answer that you could get is “this works for everything and with anyone” or “I haven’t tried other methods”. If you hear this, just say hello and walk on by.

Another kind of therapists you should stay away from are those who combine spirituality into therapy, or have new-age approaches. If you do not know what “new age means”, please read and watch documentary here [ro&en, php] and here [ro&en, php]. Stay away from these people. Religion is not therapy, although it can offer therapeutic insight. Therapy is not religion, although it might offer spiritual inisght. Keep them separated.

Another thing which you should pay attention to is weather while during talking to him/her,  (s)he interrupts you. A good psychologist must have the ability to listen first, especially while talking to a potential client, and not cutting him/her off while (s)he tries to put questions. A psychologist must, before all, have respect for the client’s inner reality, beliefs and values. That’s why a good psychologist will not approve or disapprove in any manner and in neither case will it emit judgements upon a client’s saying without prior understanding their inner world. A client does not need get the psychologist’s approval, but understanding. The experience of a psychologist does NOT determine their quality as a professional. One can be 30 years of experience and not have basic listening skills and one can have 1 year of experience and have a great deal of interpersonal skills. The quality of the service provided does not depend upon the experience, but upon the personality. Remember that before passing any judgement on psychotherapists or psychologists.

For example, if you believe that UFOs are driven by aliens, I myself would think you’re talking bananas, but that is my own opinion and I am not a psychologist. But a service provider in this field is not allowed to pass any form of judgement, no matter how silly your belief might seem to them. It is your belief and you are entitled to any belief you desire, consciously or uncounsciously. The psychologist must accept it as part of your model of the world, listen to your opinions and respect them, no matter how different they are from their perception.

Ask the psychologist on which criteria does (s)he determine the number of sessions necessary for a certain type of problem and how (s)he structures his/her time during the therapy and during each session. A good service provider must be able to convince you that (s)he has a strategy that has been proven to work.

Ask the psychologist of any potential challenges (s)he has met during his/her career, especially in confrontation to a certain ethical aspect from the psychologist’s deontological code. If (s)he says (s)he has never had challenges it is because:

a) (s)he’s lying

b) doesn’t have enough experience  or

c) doesn’t know the ethical requirements of the job.

Nobody is perfect, and a good psychologist would not deny challenges. (S)he might avoid to answer the question, but (s)he wouldn’t deny such challenges exist. It is better for you to get an answer when putting this question.

Another question to ask is what is the longest period a client has been in therapy. If the service provider answers: “oh, I have clients which go back years, about 3-4”, say hello and walk on by. A therapist who does his job does not make a certain client dependent on him or her, but makes sure that client is getting improvement throughout the process. In some cases, therapy might even take up to 2 years, but any good psychologist, when going after a certain term, must be able to explain WHY (s)he decided to continue therapy with that particular client. Even if it’s a process that takes time, it doesn’t have to take too much time, otherwise you might just be looking at an incompetent or a money-drier.

Ask him or her about the training (s)he’s taken, and about his/her plans for personal development. Such a job requires continuous improvement. If since completing licence or master’s degree, the only training (s)he took was in the main area of expertise (let’s say, psychoanalysis, or hypnosis, or transactional analysis – but only one), it is rather likely that psychologist does not have a broad enough perspective. A good service provider must continuously improve himself/herself.

Ask the service provider what tools of diagnosis does (s)he have. How did (s)he acquired those skills, where did (s)he practice them and for how long? An important part of solving the problem is to call for a right diagnosis. How much time is it alloted to diagnosis? A good psychologist would allot at least 1-2 initial sessions for diagnosis and also must tell you that there is a variate set of diagnosis tools. In some cases, simple questioning might do it, and some might say they have just developed that intuitively. Even if that is the answer, the service provider must explain where did (s)he learn it from, for how long, where did (s)he practiced it, with who, and with which results.

Some psychologists, due to the long process of training, become stiff and tend to think they know it all. The good ones don’t. So they are open to feed-back, as they know feed-back is source for continuous improvement. A good question is “What feed-back did you recently applied and worked”. If they make a pause or look at you blank, just say hello and walk on by.

And, as a final tip, to get a business approach, you can ask the psychologist what’s his/her charge and then put the question: “what are you offering me for this money?” and you will see weather the service provider has a selling pitch or not.

Remember that a psychologist may claim a number of things, but in the same time, (s)he must be able to argument each of those claims with training and/or experience. The simple fact of not complying to some of these request doesn’t mean that the psychologist you’re talking to is incompetent or wants to rip you off. It might not be their fault. In the mean time, the fact that a service provider is well-intentioned or sure of himself/herself doesn’t mean that you should just blindly write a white check and definitely trust them. Some of them might do you more harm than good, even without realizing it.

Another thing to pay attention to is to judge carefully for references. If a friend of yours says a certain psychologist is great, it might mean that service provider is good for them. Not necessarily also for you.

Considering you expect to pay for getting quality questions from a service provider, be sure to get the right answers to earn quality!

I consider that excellent professionals and unfortunate incompetents exist. Both get clients. The problem is that an incompetent ruins someone’s trust to get a good service provider and an excellent professional might not help a customer due to harm done to him/her by an incompetent.

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