Analytic Vision

Archive for the ‘The Art of Respecting Others’ Category

This category includes a series of 11 articles as a paraphrase of a work of Mircea Eliade from the ’30s. It also contains other articles centered on the respect for the other people surrounding us.

The Complex Perception of Time and Measuring It at An Elementary Level

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 27/11/2017

 

I invite you to read an article which will show you how time management influences personality: The Timeline.  This is a fundamental meta-feature which dominates each person’s personality, although, depending on the context, it can be different. The articles “In Time” and Meta Time” are its sequels: the detailing of the first perceptions. This is the fourth article of the series.

 

Across Time and Between Time

There is also an important component related to the timeline field, which pertains to the memories storage manner. Thus, the timeline is also related to the manner we store memories and the way we react to their being accessed. Further to researches performed by scientists such as Pennfield, Carl Pribram (Nobel Prize winner in 1960) and Paul Goodwin, quoted in Howard (2003), it has been found that the memories we have are stored in our nervous system. Memory is thus preserved in the entire nervous system, without being localized in the brain (!). All the information that we have processed in our experience is thus stored. The nervous system performs a sorting process of what we remember.

However, once the recall occurs, each individual can live their memories in an associated or disassociated manner. In other words, we can live the events that occurred then with the same emotion, or we can be detached from them. Precisely in this context, it is about the initial emotion versus the emotion lived in the moment in which the recall occurs, a distinction which is defined by the metaprogram Exuberance (no. 21 at Hall, with the distinctions Timid Desurgency and Bold Surgency), whose purpose is to measure the intensity of an emotion, when it appears.

In general, it is considered that the persons using an In Time perception will relive the emotions at the same time as the memories, while the persons who have a Meta Time perception will have a disassociated reaction, while the meta type also includes the meta-program response to stress. There are however derogations from this rule, according to several opinions of specialists working in this field for several years (opinions differ), which are sub-classed to this category: Across Time and Between Time.

More precisely, a person who adopts an Across Time perception shall not perceive time or shall have an atemporal perspective. These cases are extremely rare, especially in the contemporary society, under 1 % of the population. The English expression is «not minding time», although some include this perspective into the «In Time» perspective. They shall have a very calm, serene and non-active perspective of life, and generally meditative. These are persons for whom the passing of time does not matter, and has no effect. They cannot manage to perceive a timeline; this concept is something which they cannot manage to integrate into their perception system. It contradicts their model of the world. Since I started studying timeline, I have not met such a person, but I imagine that certain persons which isolate themselves from the world, such as hermits, are very likely to have (some of them) such a structure. The description of the concept can be found with Eliade (1932) and Alexandrescu (2011).

In order to describe «Between Time», I will use an example which is as eloquent as it can be. There is an American action drama series, 24, starring Kiefer Sutherland. For a while, it was also broadcasted in Romania. In the series, there are several plots which are taking place in parallel, and 2-3 times in the same episode, the screen is divided into 3-4 parts, for each plot, and they are taking place in parallel, while there is also a timer showing the viewers the passing of time. The technique has successfully been used in movies such as Snake Eyes (1998, r: Brian DePalma) and Ocean’s Thirteen (2007, r: Steven Soderbergh).

Practically, once somebody remembers certain things, they can play movies from their memory, on such a screen, with memories, at different speeds. This extremely rare ability is a kind of Meta Time to the 3rd power, as there is a complete disassociation from what is happening in any of them. The persons who have this ability have a combination of the following structures: they prefer options and freedom of movement, they have very good disassociation skills, they have the ability to control their emotions and a good multidimensional visualization capacity. I have not encountered a person displaying such a pattern, either, although I imagine that it is one that can be developed for some of those who work in video editing or architectural designing.

 

Distinctions used in LAB Profile Extended (2007) and their significance:

Clarity of timeline: clear / unclear. The clearer the timeline, the more clearly outlined shall the time and resources management be, and also based on criteria, principles, and values. Somebody who has a clearer perspective of timeline shall manage to offer reasons for the inclination they share.

Timeline level: descendant, at the eyes level, or ascendant. An ascendant timeline illustrates a perspective towards development, towards evolution. A timeline at the eyes level illustrates stagnation. Eventually, a descendant perspective signifies an involution.

Timeline: straight / broken: The straighter the line, the fewer obstacles perceived in the future and fewer traumas in the past. A fragmented timeline shows lack of management, a “dispelled” perspective of future plans, of the resources in the present, and of the events in the past.

 

References:

Alexandrescu, Ştefan (2007), LAB Profile Extended.

Alexandrescu, Ştefan (10 June 2011) Photo Reading People, Analytic Vision;

Eliade, Mircea (29 September 1935). Mai multe feluri de a pierde timpul, în 50 de conferinţe radiofonice (Several ways of wasting time, in 50 radio conferences), 1932-1938, Humanitas Publishing House, Bucharest, 2001, p. 161-167;

Hall, Michael. L, Bodenhamer, Bobby G. (2005). Figuring Out People. Reading People using Meta-Programs, Crown House Publishing, Ltd, Bancyfelin, Carmarthen, Wales, UK

Howard, C. (2003) The NLP & Leadership Master Practitioner Audio training (Audio set), Manhattan Beach, California, USA.

Translation of the article ”Percepţia complexă asupra timpului şi măsurarea ei la nivel elementar originally published in Romanian by Ștefan Alexandrescu at the 22nd of August 2012 on Discerne. Translated by Cristiana Boicu, 2017. Originally written in 2007. Updated by Ștefan Alexandrescu at 21.10.2017

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Meta Time

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 13/11/2017

I invite you to read an article (the first one in a new series) which will show you how time management influences one’s personality: The Timeline.  This is a fundamental meta-feature which dominates somebody’s personality, although it can be different in different contexts. The article “In Time” is its continuation: the detailing of the first main perception.  This is the third article of the series, which details the “Meta Time” perception.

Meta Time (partial association with the Judgement function, defined by Jung; not to be mistaken for monochronism or polychronism within chronemics)

Also known as «Through Time», the Meta Time perception implies the fact that, as seen in space, it is somewhere on the outside, so that no segment of the line touches the body of the one visualizing it. The classical form implies two typical manifestations: either a half circle from left (past) to right (future) or a straight line ahead, having the present ahead.

Forms which you will encounter with clients may be: line ahead, in the back, on the ground, in front of one’s eyes. The line may be curved, criss-cross, in a spiral, anyhow, as long as it is outside the body. If it touches the body in any way, then it is a clearly an In Time case. However, I should mention that, if for certain segments (such as from the past, or from the present, or from the future), the timeline touches the body, there can be In Time features, or the perspective of that segment shall be a Meta Time approach, and this is something rather common in the past, in the case of traumas. If, on the contrary, the perspective is In Time, and in a certain segment (the past, especially) is ahead, Meta Time features shall be on an In Time perspective.

Time Line Therapy® founders are using the term through time, because when the client supposedly took a step, he would step “through” the line that illustrates time. However, H. Arne Maus, who has actually performed researches in the timeline field, as well as Ann Renew, an L. Michael Hall’s collaborator from South Africa (who classified timeline as a metaprogram in 2005, calling it “Time experience”), use the phrase Meta Time. Being closer to research, the author of this article prefers the second version.

The individual who will have a meta perception of time will have a high capacity to get detached from emotions. He will have the power to experiment any emotion, as an interesting experience; then, he will be able to go to the next one without a problem. Practically, the emotional register of a person in the Meta Time state can significantly be more diverse than the one of a person in In Time, and for this reason, professionally, they can be excellent … actors (!) or sales agents. They have the capacity to disassociate from a negative emotion, and the power to get over inner conflicts relatively easily. If doubled by empathy, this capacity can indicate an extremely good communicator. Unfortunately, such a perspective does not offer the possibility to «live in the moment». In this case, the motivation can be given by a clearly set agenda.

Meta Time has a strong impact on one’s work style, offering the conditioning to do several things simultaneously, in parallel, in several stages, without necessarily completing them. A person with a Meta Time perspective shall not feel good unless (s)he works on at least 3-4 things at the same time, has started working on another 5, and is planning on 6 more. And the interesting thing about it is that s(he) will most likely do them well, especially if they are allowed to organize themselves. If allowed to, they will create their system where the combinations of the things they do will help them save time. Their perception of those who have the In Time perception is that they walk «in straight tram-like manner», that they are “small-minded“, that they are superficial because they are not able to plan anything, and that they are wasting their time with worthless things, etc.

Meta Time is the only perspective from which planning can be achieved (and met!). The time management courses are prepared by those having the Meta Time perception for those with the Meta Time perception. Time is money, and it can be divided into days, days into hours, hours into minutes, in each of these minutes there is a planned activity, and they will show you that in their agenda it’s full of doodles. If they set their alarm for 7 a.m., and they wake up at 7.05, they will feel guilty, and in some serious cases, this risks causing a tragedy. They will show punctuality; moreover, they will arrive earlier than it was planned for meetings, and most likely, they will be intolerant with those who are not punctual in their turn, whom they will consider unreliable for this reason. They may express opinions such as «if you respect me, then you arrive on time! ». If something comes up, it is no problem, anything can be rescheduled. (unlike the In Time perspective, in which any replanning can be the source of a nightmare). Anything and anybody are replaceable, as long as the changes can be made in the agenda on time. They shall abandon the workplaces where they are not told, or cannot precisely and exactly establish what they will do from the moment they walk into the office until they leave it.

The Meta Time dominated persons are, par excellence, business people. There is no chance that a business freelancer could achieve something if s(he) does not have a Meta Time perspective. Very rarely shall one find In Time perspective people in leading positions, and usually they shall not stay there long. Any type of job that requires the ability to work with several timetables, the ability to plan and do several things at the same time requires a Meta Time perspective. It is, par excellence, the field of engineers, accountants, architects, movie directors.

Personally, the Meta Time perspective persons have the capacity to judge things «in the light of cold reason», thinking very rationally, objectively, as related to actual necessities. They shall rely on facts rather than emotions. They shall not have the preference to live in the moment, but they shall have the capacity to issue and meet certain standards, without living profound disappointments. In exaggerated cases, they will be able to even organize their wedding as a project (it is something that requires planning, right?), which shall have the following components: 1.1. proposal. 1.1.1. choosing the right place 1.1.2. finding the ring […] 1.2. talking to the parents 1.3 choosing the venue. And they shall rigorously comply with the planning. Or they shall have their partner comply with it, while they supervise the process.

Examples of people fitting this profile: Donald Trump, Steven Spielberg, Mugur Isărescu, Andy Szekely, Jean-Michel Jarre.

Jean-Michel Jarre – “Chronology part IV”

References:

Hall, Michael. L, Bodenhamer, Bobby G. (2005). Figuring Out People. Reading People using Meta-Programs, Crown House Publishing, Ltd, Bancyfelin, Carmarthen, Wales, UK, pp. 152-154; pp. 247-249;

Translation of the article ”Meta Time “ originally published in Romanian by Ștefan Alexandrescu at the 14th of August 2012 on Discerne. Translated by Cristiana Boicu, 2017. Originally written in 2007. Updated by Ștefan Alexandrescu at 21.10.2017

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In Time

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 30/10/2017

I invite you to read an article (the first of a new series) that will show you how time management influences the personality: The Timeline. This is a fundamental meta-feature that dominates one’s personality although in different contexts it can vary. “In Time” is its continuation: the detaliation of the first main perception.

In Time (partial association with the perception function, defined by Jung; not to be confused with the monochronicity or the polychronicity from the chronemics)

The timeline, visualized in space, passes through the client’s body or touches him in any way. The classical position is the future in front, the present within and the past behind. But this is rarely observed, the greatest odds are that it will only be found in books. Very often such a perception of the timeline will have a series of very interesting and diverse shapes, such as: vertically from the top of the head to the feet; in front, but without touching the body; a spiral shape around the body; partially vertical and partially horizontal; etc.

Robert Zemeckis’ masterpiece from 2015, The Walk, offers a great depiction of the In Time perception right on its poster:

Usually, it’s considered that the individual that will have an In Time perception over time will have a high capacity to live emotions in that respective context and he will not be able to detach himself/herself. This is not the case though, for example, for people that are in a trauma, and their unconscious defense strategies determine them to have a disassociated behavior, an unfitting description for an In Time perspective. For an objective opinion, an outside person will be needed. In some rare cases, that person will manage to understand certain emotions only by empathizing with someone that is also living those emotions and by observing from the outside, to then (afterward) realize that they can be found within himself/herself. The motivation of someone like that can be stimulated by reminding them to live in the now and by offering them a rich emotional activity or by adopting a “we care” politics.

The distinction has a strong impact on the work context. An In Time behavior will provide the conditioning to do one thing, start to finish, and it will create difficulties when, in that context, the individual is forced to do more things at the same time. The beliefs associated to an In Time perspective are «Do something start to finish and do it well or don’t do it at all »; «If you do more things at the same time, then you cannot do them well ».

Those that use this perspective might have the tendency to consider those that have a Meta Time perspective as shallow because they start doing more things at the same time and don’t finish them, agitated, people that waste their life away with plans without living the joy of just being. From this point of view, a person with an In Time perspective will feel motivated by activities that have a clear and defined beginning, middle and end. They will not accept explanations such as “Do this first and then we’ll see” because there is the risk that this activity will not be carried out in the end. They will have a feeling of paltering if they will not have all the elements presented in an In Time language.

The In Time perception prevents any kind of planning. Those that use it regularly in the work environment will not have a lot of professional achievements, compared to those that have a Meta Time perception in the professional context, as a result of the fact that they cannot manage their time. « Something always comes up! ». A person with an In Time perception will throw away money on time management books and courses, these will not help though, as it will only present foreign and hard to apply perspectives.

In meetings, people with an In Time perspective will regularly be late 15-45 minutes. Almost everytime, never on time, only accidentally or with a great deal of sacrifice. They will set their watch forward to force themselves to make the meetings, they will write it on a scrap of paper (not on an agenda, no way, this is an accessory that does not exist, or is rather empty, for a person that delights in the Perception function) the meetings 20 minutes before they take place because they know they will be late, etc. If someone tells them: « You’re 10 minutes late! » they will very naturally reply: « 10 minutes isn’t late. 10 minutes is exactly on time ». Or they will invoke the «academic quarter». These latenesses can also be based on an associated conviction attributed to an unfortunate experience like « either way most people that I meet either don’t show up or they are late, so why should I be the one that waits? ».

In certain situations, it can be a living nightmare for a Meta Time practitioner to set up a meeting with a person that has an In Time perception. If it is about two people that use the In Time perception, it is highly likely it will be even more frustrating because each of them has his/her own perception of time and they can differ a lot. This will generate answers such as «I can’t tell you now my schedule two days from now. Call me that morning» or «I don’t know what will come up tomorrow. We’ll talk then».

People with an In Time perspective can be excellent: artists, actors, art critics,  anchorpersons, entertainers, politicians, people that work in creation (artistic, publicity) because they manage, by living in the now, to express their reactions in a spontaneous manner. They are absolutely awful as: financial auditors, accountants, engineers, architects, project editors, strategists. Still, they will need an assistant or a staff that have a Meta Time perspective and that they will listen to in order to be able to perform in one of these fields. This way, they will live moment to moment until they will not have the freedom to live in the now anymore. And then they will get frustrated. This is the reason why there are so many «starving artists»: they were unable to partner up with someone that has a «Meta Time» perspective that can support them to highlight their preference to live in the now.

Sentimentally, an In Time perspective offers those that have it the possibility to be involved in the relationship and to live the present moment now with the partner. The In Time perspective on love is that it is wonderful and that it needs to be lived in every moment as it is. This perspective, manifested in an exaggerated manner leads to the «love is blind» phenomenon. Actually, it’s not the love that is blind, but it’s the ones that have an In Time perspective that cannot disassociate what they feel and observe from the outside. Also taking into consideration different combinations with other personality structures, people with the In Time perspective, although they can live and share with others (including through literature and art in general), are also the ones that suffer the greatest disappointments and ask themselves «why?», especially when they do not have a «Meta Time» person as a counselor that can «open their eyes» objectively from the outside. Unfortunately, a lot of people choose to disappoint themselves (after they have deceived themselves) and to draw pejorative conclusions such as «there is no right partner for me», at young ages, up to 30 years old, and that can usually be the result of an In Time perspective focused on negative emotions, without paying attention to the suggestions of people that have a Meta Time perspective.

In Time may also be the favorite behaviour that “shelters” in  sentimental relationships: the mental dependency from the physical dependency of the partner (the partner using In Time accuses the one that uses Meta Time that he/she does not make time for him/her), the abandonment complex and the games from the drama triangle. For a functional long term relationship, each partner needs to have, in a professional context or separately, a Meta Time preference.

Examples of personalities that (might) have had or that have this behavior structure: Mihai Eminescu, Traian Băsescu, Steve Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Translation of the article ”In Time” originally published in Romanian by Ștefan Alexandrescu on the 10th of August 2012 at Discerne. Translated by Ștefan Constantin Bădrăgan, 2017. Originally written in 2007. Updated by Ștefan Alexandrescu at 21.10.2017

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The Timeline

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 13/10/2017

Motto:

« [The Romanian] is wasteful with time, more so than people from the West. Time is anything for the Romanian but a currency. At the fair, he haggles for hours for whatnots. The same goes for parties, he loses days and nights»; «It is said that [the Romanian] is undisciplined working in the economic field. When at the same time people from the West keep a regular rhythm, like clockwork, the Romanian people knows disorderly work, more like play.The Romanian does not work methodically, but in leaps; he has long periods of rest, and if needed he will work double tides and do slave work »

Constantin Rădulescu Motru (1998)

  

 

The history of the concept

The concept of the timeline was introduced even since Ancient Greece, and William James, one of the parents of modern psychology, has affirmed over a century ago that our perceptions of the events of our lives span over « a string of time ». Therefore, for thousands of years, it has been acknowledged that people had an own representation of time, in themselves. In other words, each person has its own way of representing, storing, and keeping time in their own body.

It was said, at the beginnings of developing the timeline, that, in general, Europeans tend to represent their timeline as passing through them, facing the future, living in the present and with the past behind them. This is classical In Time position.

Americans, on the other hand, represent the timeline in front of them, with the past on the left, the present in front of them and the future on the right. It is the classical Meta Time (Through Time) position.

This generalization was later retracted because people can have very different perceptions in different contexts (e.g. In Time relaxing during the weekend, but “very” Meta Time during business hours). All of the other positions derive from these two basic ones, with little variation. According to the way someone perceives it, the timeline it is split into two big categories: In Time and Meta Time.

Some specialists also consider Between Time and/or Across Time, arguing that they cannot be classified as subtypes of one of the above.

Before anything else, it is important to keep in mind that there are no “In Time people” and “Meta Time people”, even though these attitudes are easier to approach concerning an (apparently) dichotomous meta type. The timeline offers important clues as to how a client will think and react in the context for which the timeline was elicited. Throughout one’s life, this perception may change in relation to a lot of factors. People often present both characteristics in different contexts.

  

 

The perception of time in different cultures

For example, in Spain, Italy, Portugal, there is a predominantly In Time perception. There is, in extremes, that ”dolce far niente”, that can be found in Romanians as well. Romanians have a strong inclination towards In Time, even when it comes to projects. Planning is not one of our strong suits, as a people. All this considered, a very interesting phenomenon is happening in Romania right now, from a generational change standpoint. Muşătoiu (2006) shows, in an article that was awarded in the science and technology section of the Young Journalist of 2007 contest, organized by Freedom House and Edipresse AS, how the psychology of the personality is being influenced by technology in Romania and labels the Y generation as multitasking and technological par excellence.

People with a Meta Time perspective are by excellence business people. There is no way that a business freelancer will ever accomplish anything if he or she does not have a Meta Time perspective.

You will rarely find people in leadership positions with an In Time perspective, and they will not remain there for long. Any job that requires that ability to work with more than one schedule, to plan and do more than one thing at a time demands a Meta Time perspective.

Japan, USA, Germany, China offer examples of Meta Time cultures. It is the subjective opinion of the author of this article that it is highly likely that in certain countries before they went under American economic influence, there was a clear and dominant In Time perception 60-90 years ago. With the loans from the American funds, the population started not only to change their mentality towards a new value system, but also their perception of time, from In Time to Meta Time.

By Philmore1q2w3e4r (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Example of complex representation of a timelime by Philmore1q2w3e4r (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

 

NLP and the certification system for the timeline

The timeline, though a self-standing domain, as an accredited form of psychotherapy, has been getting an extraordinary contribution from NLP through research, books, training and presentations for decades now. The timeline is a certification field recognized by the American Board of Psychotherapists. For this one needs forming and licensing, just like any other therapy field. Those that have this accreditation have the right to work as timeline psychotherapists if they have a previous qualification as a psychotherapist, or as HR consultants in organizations.

Some specialists prefer to take a certification offer that includes both neuro linguistic programming and timeline. Training lasts in total, an approximated cumulated 2 weeks and it includes 3 separate levels, after which the trainee gets the right to practice on an international level, and it is also recognized by the American Board of Psychotherapists.

This is a method to deepen the applicative field and in which the student needs to master the qualifications (s)he needs to train in light of his/her professional development:

interpreting the personality according to the way the timeline is visualized;

modifying the perception of the timeline;

therapeutic interventions to resolve past trauma;

planning the personal and professional future using the timeline;

professional career counseling;

personal and professional development and management;

improvement of communication and planning skills.

Definitely useful for a career counselor.

  

 

References

Rădulescu Motru, Constantin (1998). Psihologia poporului român şi alte studii de psihologie socială, Bucureşti, Paideia, pages 24-25, acquired from http://www.scribd.com/doc/47379717/Psihologia-Poporului-Roman at 9.09.2017;

James, William (1890). Principles of Psychology: Volume I, Holt, New York, New York, USA, apud Howard, C. (2003) The NLP & Leadership Master Practitioner Audiotraining (Audio set), Manhattan Beach, California, USA;

Mitrică, Mihai; Nicolae, Crenguţa (26 iunie 2007) Încă un premiu, Business Magazin, acquired from http://www.businessmagazin.ro/actualitate/inca-un-premiu-2512903 at 9.09.2017;

Muşătoiu, Mihai (27 iunie 2006) Generaţia Multitasking, Business Magazin, acquired from http://www.businessmagazin.ro/cover-story/generatia-multitasking-1051639 at 9.09.2017;

Translation of the article ”Linia timpului” originally published in Romanian by Ștefan Alexandrescu at the 6th of August 2012 on Discerne. Translated by Ștefan Constantin Bădrăgan, 2017. Originally written in 2007. Updated by Ștefan Alexandrescu at 9.09.2017

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In Which Mirror Do You Prefer to Look?

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 11/08/2017

The Mirror of the Bible

To look in the mirror in a spiritual way is to live according to the Holy Scripture. The true esssence of listening to fragments of the Holy Scripture during the holy liturgy is to carry those to others. There are two ways of doing that. The first is to tell your friends what you learned, what was taught at the Church. This is called “the liturgy after the liturgy”. The other, more powerful way of carrying to others the message is to live by it, practice what is being taught.

First, about talking to others. How do your friends plan their meeting with Christ? This is a simple yet powerful question. Indeed, how do they do that? If they weren’t present at the liturgy, how do they practice what was taught? What stops them, if anything? How can they get counsciousness, if they choose so, of the options and the benefits of meeting Christ in the Church or through their deeds, following on the footsteps that lay on their path to redemption? How many friends do you have that bring you to Christ?

I do not preach to only have Christian friends. There is something to be learned from each person. Openness can be welcomed, in my opinion, as long as it doesn’t require accepting the relativism of truth. Such relativism is the claim that all or most spiritual or religious beliefs are correct, or that there are even are more which are correct. Relativism is in itself a religious frame. Keeping each person’s beliefs is something which can be done with firmness and gentleness, while sometimes exploring how do they apply to a particular life situation. I don’t believe the Bible teaches what our attitude should be about modifying the weather or genetically modified organisms in the food. But discussing about such topics keeping the balance of discernement in mind helps us explore the roots of each idea. Therefore, talking to people with different, even opposite beliefs shouldn’t be so scary. If you really believe what you believe, then you believe it enough that you may allow yourself to doubt it, still keeping enough arguments to return to your spiritual center.

Considering that one knows everything right even in the Orthodox Christianity is a dangerous temptation, therefore, one should keep an open mind, not to change the rightful faith beliefs, but to extend them in ways that make sense today, in this world, without posing a threat to the Christian tradition.

For example, if you share an idea through your behavior, an explanation or an answer and another person rejects it, you could feel ashamed. Either of what you said or of the fact that you wrongfully hoped the other person would cherish your idea. If you feel shame because of what you said, the case is that you didn’t really believe it so much (and you cherished your image more) and in the latter case it is discounting the reality that each of us is entitled to own beliefs, including rejecting other beliefs.

This is what freedom of expression means: that you allow and accept, and even fight for the right of another person saying something you don’t agree to. In their essence, both totalitarisms (such as communism, fascism) and political correctness (cultural marxism) admit no opposition and no middleground. Totalitarisms use propaganda and mass control and political corectness uses public relations, lobby and public policies. In essence, in a true democracy nobody should feel ashamed of saying what one thinks and believes out of fright of negative repercussions.

 

The Mirror of the Idols

What is the alternative to looking in the mirror by living your life according to Holy Scripture? It is looking at what you think you can become without God. You become the idols you serve.

For example, if you serve wrath, you become wrath. In its extreme, hateful wrath makes anyone so insignificant until it all becomes a dot, a target to fire at. Wrath can be alternatively directed at a behavior, if emotional intelligence is used. For example, a parent may tell to a child: “I love you, therefore I am angry at your wrong ways”, and by that a negative emotion can be used in such a manner that it doesn’t become an idol.

If you serve pride, you become pride. For example, if you congratulate someone because you want to be congratulated yourself or want some attention, you have not only taken that person’s right to be redempted by rewarding that person in the now (rather than the eternity), but you have also become the exponent of pride. The idol is what gets ahead of you. If a parent emotionally supports a child to do something positive, then it is not pride which is fed (unless the parent actually is proud of himself), but the child’s self-esteem and motivation for learning and repeating a useful behavior.

If you serve lust, then everything you might have gathered in life through planning and discipline is put at the altar of whmisical desires to be sacrificed. Lust is an enemy to wisdom and the clouding of the mind – not only in the sexual form. Within lust, one may become the most urgent urge that emobodies the indisciplined and uncontrolled human being.

If you serve greed, then your identity becomes attached to the things you posess and/or aspire to posess: your value becomes what you are worth in the eyes of others and what you see in the mirror when you look at what you use to cover yourself with.

If you serve gluttony, your body will likely take the shape that you give it by serving this god. Both greed and gluttony may embody the desire, the aspiration to have the own physical needs met, believing that if one doesn’t do that, nothing and nobody will, when in fact only serving others through our talents can truly establish a balance. Of course, one must know how to choose who to serve.

If you serve sloth, then abandoning reponsabilities and gifts is a spiritual suicide, giving up to pessimism and negativism, depression and despair. For example, taking a calculated break after hard work is something which can bring balance, but you cannot counteract an exaggeration, an extreme, with another extreme. Two wrongs d’t make a right.

If you serve envy, then you feel a certain inferiority which tells you whatever another one has that you value must be used to bring him or her down, instead of using admiration as a force to take learnings from a model.

Which Do You Choose?

There you have, in a nutshell, the two possible mirrors between which you life pendulates. When you stop and look, what do you see?

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What Gifts to Buy to a Romanian

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 02/02/2014

Occasions to buy gifts

Romanians are very welcoming, occasionally (but not as a main trait) generous  and they buy lots of gifts to each other on different occasions. Usual such occasions are:

– birthdays

– name days – usually, most of the Romanians are named after saints, which means they have at least one “name day/ziua numelui” or even more, if they have more than one name, if their saint is celebrated more than once in a year or for a certain name they have more than one protector saint – though there is one main name date in each case, when, usually, a gift to be offered is practical and congratulations required . For example, my name is Ştefan (Steven) and I have three name days throughout the year: Saint martyr Steven (27th of December), St. Steven the Great (2nd of July) and the new Saint martyr Steven (28th of November). I receive congratulations and/or gifts on any of these three days. My sister is called Alexandra and she celebrates “name day” both on the Saints Alexander (30th of August, 29th of May, 10th of June) and on Saint Alexandra (21st of April). People called Ion/John and Ioana/Joanna celebrate their name days in all of the three holidays which honor St. John the Baptist. There are also a lot of other saints called “Saint John”, although their holidays aren’t frequently seen as actually “name dates”. People called Cristian or Cristina celebrate their name day on Christmas, Easter and on St. Cristina (24th of July). It is appropriate to congratulate and offer gifts on these occasions only to the Orthodox believers. If a Romanian is an atheist or from another religious confession, you need not congratulate them or offer them gifts on these occasions. The most important holidays of the year are marked with a red cross in the Orthodox calendar.

You can find out when is the name day of someone by looking up the name and its derivatives in the Christian-Orthodox calendar (available from a series of different websites and from most Orthodox churches).

– Christmas

– New Year

– Easter

– for women: Christian women’s day (the third Sunday from the Orthodox Easter), 1st of March, 8th of March.

– for couples: 14th of February (Valentine’s day), 24th of February (Dragobete). Please remember that “Valentine’s Day is not a Romanian or Orthodox holiday. Orthodox people celebrate the actual orthodox saint Valentin (different from the catholic one) on the 24th of October and that’s not related in any manner to couples. Also, some Romanian people frequently discard the meaning of “Valentine’s Day” as a commercial celebration and prefer to celebrate the lovers’ day on Dragobete, which is also not an Orthodox celebration (but a pagan one), but at least it has a centuries-old tradition.

– marriage – the gift for marriage must be consistent or in cash and usually if you are invited to the wedding.

What gifts to buy

Romanians aren’t pretentious. Usually, a symbolic, creative or unexpected small gift is enough. Sometimes, if you are artistic enough, you don’t even have to spend money on a present. I sometimes offered a poetry or a handmade pop-up personalized card as a most welcomed gift for a friend on any occasion. For some women, a cheery e-mail written from the heart and a beautiful flower will do the work.

Something traditional from your country/city which can be offered as a souvenir is also very appreciated. Romanians are crazy about foreign souvenirs, especially from places they’ve never been to.

But this is not always the case. A regular, nice gift, is a specialized book, or a book written by one of the favorite authors of the person you are giving the gift to. If you wrote a book yourself, it might also be an excellent gift (I gave a book I wrote as a gift to tens of people) if the person in interested in reading on the topic you’ve written on. A book in Romanian language usually costs 4-8 euros. A very special Romanian book (such as a dictionary, encyclopedia, a very specialized book or a treaty) is to be expected to cost between 15-50 euros.

Other gifts may depend on how well do you know the person to make an appropriate gift. It is recommended, if you are not really close, that you don’t buy something to wear, as it might be too personal. It is also inappropriate to give money in stead of a gift (as it says “I don’t know you well enough”), but it might be preferable if you don’t want to risk a bad present or don’t have time to look for something.

Don’t offer as a gift any kind of disks with music or film (unless they are really rare and appreciated), as the Romanians are used to downloading themselves whatever they need to from the internet.

Also, practical gifts are very appreciated, especially if they have some interesting feature or some personal/funny message. Something like a teacup, a plate, a tea pot or even a cooking pot can often be top-notch gifts.

It’s not recommended that you buy anything electronic as a gift, because Romanians are very picky and versed when choosing any piece of technology – which, in Romania, is pretty cheap. If you know someone is looking to buy something electronic, it’s better that you ask how much it costs and give him/her the money to buy it themselves if you want to choose that as a gift.

If the person is an Orthodox practicant (that is, goes to church every Sunday), a very appropriate and often bought gift is a religious book or a religious item (such as a little bottle of holy oil/mir, tămâie, icons). Although, do not buy them the Bible, as any Romanian usually has one in their homes. And if you do buy the Bible as a gift to a Romanian, don’t get cheap: buy the sinodal edition published in 2001 (the Romanian translation of Septuaginta). And don’t buy any religious book which isn’t published with benediction (almost all the Orthodox books have the mention in the first pages that they are published “cu binecuvântarea I.P.S. […]”).

Usually, it can be appropriate to spend on an individual gift for a Romanian up to 10-15 euros. Anything more is considered a special present, appropriate for a close friend or a very special occasion. If you buy an expensive gift for a Romanian, it might actually hurt your relationship with that person, as it might get wrongfully interpreted.

If – and only if – you are invited to a wedding, the regular sum of money to offer as a wedding gift is either the equivalent sum of the menu, or 100-150 euros, whichever is higher. For example, if the menu is 120 euros, than an appropriate wedding gift would be 120-150 euros. If the menu is 70 euros, than the lowest gift sum would be 100 euros.

Generally, these are some basic consideration which I can offer from my personal social experience in Romania.

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The Ultimate Gift

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 11/09/2012

Many of my friends tell me I always make either the most original gifts or the best personalised congratulations on different celebrations and anniversaries. So I decided that today I will share with you what I consider to be some of the greatest gifts to give or receive.

I have recently seen a beautiful film, called The Ultimate Gift. If you treat the story as a modern fairy tale, you can skip the fact that it’s a little bit pathetic in its tear-jearking mission. It’s about a young man who discovers what are stated to be the most important 12 gifts one may receive or give.

The Ultimate Gift, which won over the hearts of critics and audiences during its limited release this spring, is now available on DVD. Starring Academy Award nominee Abigail Breslin, Drew Fuller, James Garner, Ali Hillis and Brian Dennehy, and based on the best-selling book by Jim Stovall, The Ultimate Gift is an unforgettable, involving story that has already created a strong grass-roots movement of giving and inspired millions of dollars of donations to charity. Visit the official website to learn more about the movie and the causes it is helping.

I will elaborate on that and I will illustrate some of these with examples and some of my own experiences.

  1. The gift of work.

My first job was a dream job. In June 2001, I had my first job in Iaşi. I was hired by a young entrepreneur as a film critic for the local publication “Nopţi Albe” (White Nights). That was a great honour for me, because I have always been a film fanatic. My job was to write a little something about each of the 6-8 movies which were running in 4 screens/cinemas: Victoria, Republica, The Students’ Culture House and Dacia and choose one film to make a one-page review each week. The print run of the publication: 5000. The publication appeared each Friday.

After 3 weeks, I have been promoted to cultural editor – that meant doubling the number of pages I handled and covering all the cultural events in Iaşi: theatre, vernisages, exhibitions, concerts, books, launches, etc. My job was to document and review each of them. I was credited officially as “redactor” (editor).

This was a great experience to me. I worked mainly independent (there were 4 people in the team), sometimes intersecting my activity with the colleague from advertising. 25 % was field work: gathering information from the sources. My boss taught me, a few years before I learned it in faculty, how to use advanced formulas for finding specific information on Google. I can proudly say I have had a great example receiving the gift of work from him. Thank you, Cosmin!

A challenge in this job was dealing with the office for films, which allowed me to see films for free. They wanted me to push certain titles, and I wanted to choose others. I guess they didn’t feel so good when I downgraded blockbusters like “Jurassic Park 3”. In the end, nobody dared enter my field. All that I was writing was getting published and I kept my privileges even if I made a mistake and even after being fired.

The initiative was avant-la-lettre and the review magazine was followed a few years after by B24Fun (also in Iaşi), Şapte Seri, and Tot O Dată. But in august 2001, “Nopţi Albe” was shut down and everybody was fired.

  1. The gift of money

After I finished highschool, my mother agreed to materially support my status as a student and she allowed me to follow multiple specialisations, to subscribe to many faculties and to finally decide in my III year of faculty what fields I wanted to approach. During those years, I have made lots of mistakes, I have wasted a lot of resources, but it seems I have learned my lessons and the investments proved themselves worthwhile. Added to one another, all the faculties and trainings and formations I have done were more than 10.000 euros just in taxes and admissions – which is huge, for Romania, even more considering it was the first decade of the century. If my mother wouldn’t have agreed to pay all of my these, I wouldn’t have the higher education which currently allows me to make such elaborate comments that you enjoy reading from me and I wouldn’t have been able to have the clients I had, for the consulting services that I provided.

So I am who I am thanks to my mother. Thank you, mom!

  1. The gift of friends

One of the most successful gifts I have ever made was a cup of coffee. In 2006, I used to spend quite some time on the internet, with Yahoo Messenger (Romania’s favourite instant messaging service is YM). One of the many friends I have made virtually over the years is Iasmina Iordache, who has been specialising in translation between Romanian, English and French. Back then, she lived in Timişoara. We have never met, but I made her one of the most memorable gifts she ever received, not in content, but in form.

One day, she was a little bit upset and down on the morale and I asked her: what would make you feel better? She said: “A coffee. But not any kind of coffee” and she described in detail how she expected for that coffee to be prepared. I then asked her address, then I contacted another friend of mine, Andreea, who also lived back then in Timişoara. I gave her the description of the coffee and the address and I asked her a crazy favour: “Would you, please, take this coffee to Iasmina, at her place, and say it was from my part?” and, ta-daaaam, she said: “yes, Ştefan! With pleasure”. Andreea was absolutely charmed of the idea. So she prepared the coffee, together with her boyfriend, Andrei, and they took it straight to Iasmina. Iasmina’s mother opened the door and they said: “We have a coffee for Iasmina. It’s from Ştefan!”. You can imagine the surprise.

They sat down, they talked and they told the whole story. A few moments later, Iasmina posted on YM the status: “incredible” and I asked her: “How do you find the coffee? :) “. She Answered: “Thank you so much! It’s exactly how I wanted it!” and she went on enjoying her coffee in a memorable day, which I could have only made with the help of friends, for another friend. It’s the gift I made with the most of joy, that I can remember I my whole life. But it wasn’t the coffee. It was the gift of friendship.

  1. The gift of learning

I have spent so much time learning in the way I thought I was supposed to. But once, in 2003, I have found that there is a great Romanian professor who taught his students to read faster. It sounded intriguing for me, so I went and I found him. Unfortunately for me, the course that fall was already booked up and started. But I started participating in some other free trainings that professor held: creativity. My life is divided in teo parts: before I met one of my greatest mentors, inventor pr. eng. Radu Budei, and after. Everything in my life, in my mind, transformed after that. He taught me how to learn. How to read effectively and timely. How to concentrate. How to memorise. How to organise my learning. His gift for me and for hundreds of others has been to learn how to learn in order to remember and practically use whatever I learned. Using his methods, I have improved the quality of the questions I made and helped me to develop my creativity beyond any expectation. Thanks to him, to his training and his constant emotional support, I have attained the speed of 10.000 words / minute. Now I am an expert in efficient learning and I have trained others, paying forward what I have received from my mentor. Thank you, mr. Budei!

  1. The gift of problems

In my life, until now, I have:

  • been hit by a car;

  • had 3 biking accidents and broken 2 bycicles;

  • had food allergies;

  • had eye problems. I wore glasses for 11 years;

  • had general electricity breakdown where I lived (in one place, the whole electical system had to be re-done; in another, there was actually a fire from a socket);

  • climbed a mountain of 2700+ m;

  • walked on fire 3 times;

  • failed in business;

  • failed in research;

  • lost all the money I made;

  • been robbed several times;

  • been lost in the rain and the dark, in the middle of nowhere;

  • heartbroken, betrayed, dumped;

  • been humiliated in public on several occasions;

  • sorrowed the death of all my grandparents, two uncles, one aunt and one close family friend;

  • suffered a surgical intervention on which my life depended;

  • been thrown out without proper justification of I can’t remember how many groups and institutions;

  • lacked a place to stay (only for one night);

  • made a fool of myself while publicly speaking;

  • been humiliated on the internet;

  • moved over 10 times (I lived in four cities);

  • been restricting my diet for health reasons.

Thanks to God, I overcame each of these difficulties which would seem so uncomfortable, horrifying or depressing for many and I am now healthy, strong, experienced. Even more, I do not consider them any longer as problems, but as challenges. I learned from them and I moved on.

  1. The gift of family

Both my mother and father come from big families, so I have a lot of aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and one step-sister. Although some of these relatives are quite insane, most of them are very well-intentioned, who can be quite affectionate to their family members, caring and helping, like a family should be. Even though my parents have been divorced for almost all of my life, the big sense of a larger family still exists and it can be great joy in meeting some of them from time to time. There can be certainly a sense of security and comfort in such an environment.

  1. The gift of laughter

Laughing is a healthy expression of joy [en, blog]. Joy is such a great emotion, that it’s also a common name [en, wiki]. The ability to laugh with all the heart, to enjoy life and to make fun of the difficult happenings is one of the key to happiness and long life. Making people laugh activates a pleasure center in the brain, which neurologically positively affects the health. It’s a great quality to make people laugh and feel good without necessarily telling them jokes. It is even more a challenging task, as each person finds different things amusing. So, are the people who you are trying to entertain In the Target? That Is the REAL Question… If so, then you can make them a wonderful present.

  1. The gift of dreams

Oh, yes, the dreams. Vision. Inspire. Think Globally.

  1. The gift of giving &

  2. The gift of gratitude

One of the greatest gifts I can make to all the people who helped me is to thank them, by giving myself to others what I have learned from them. It is a manner in which I can make a difference for all those who are interested in having a difference made in their lives, in their careers. I am thankful to all those I have worked with, from which I learned, I spent quality time with and found inspiration from. All of their gifts make a better me than I would have been otherwise. I fully enjoy the gift of giving to others in such a manner that would be useful, like through the articles I publish and make available through the blogs I am writing on.

  1. The gift of a day

Sometimes, the most wonderful gift you can find for someone is an experience to remember for a lifetime. Therefore, I salute the initiative that a Romanian website has for those interested to make such a wonderful present. Originalo.ro [ro,php], through tens of partnerships across Romania, offers a great opportunity, addressed both to individuals and to companies [ro,php] interested in creative, memorable experiences, as a gift, for adventures [ro,php], trips [ro,php], romance [ro,php] and spa [ro,php]. One affordable experience to make at least a great day for everyone, and, for some, a perfect day. How would it sound for you to have the possibility to experience rafting, climbing, trekking, bungee jumping, karting, flying, scuba diving, rappel, paintball, dancing, biking, and many, many more others? Just imagine the effect of such an experience over a friend! It’s great, because it offers you the possibility of choosing between so many activities, things to learn and experiences, that would cover any kind of expectation. Certainly something to at least bookmark as a great resource for wedding presents.

  1. The gift of love

This one I definitely received the most from my mother, throughout my entire life, as her love for me has been a clear model for me to follow in loving. For most children, the love of their parents is often the first model of love they encounter, one which would shape their conceptions and their emotions on their path into developing as a full grown adult. My mother taught me love is patient, just, forgiving, persistent against all odds and difficulties, hopeful, caring and protecting. The most important way I can “pay her back” is to love as she taught me. I hope I learned well.

So, if you are looking for one special gift, choose among these I have mentioned in this article! They are the heart of any wonderful present you may think to give or receive!

May you have an inspiring giving experience!

Posted in The Art of Respecting Others | 8 Comments »

The Art of Respecting Others, by Ştefan Alexandrescu

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 27/08/2012

This is the original series of 11 articles that make up the paraphrase of Mircea Eliade’s work from the ’30s. It is titled the same way as the broader category: The Art of Respecting Others (20 articles)

 

The Art of Respecting Message

Actually Living Communication. Between investing and spending.

The Modern Buttons of the Digital People

“Soul” File is Write-Protected. Are You Sure You Want to Delete It?

Across-Messages Communication

The Art of Listening Others. Version 2.1.

Transcending Patterns of Communication

The Windmills of Your Mind

Less is more. Until it becomes nothing.

“The Art of Personal Branding”, or Sometimes, a “pen” is Just a pen. But Sometimes It Isn’t.

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Chişinău

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 03/05/2012

I long wanted to write about a charming city I have visited twice in 2010 and hope I will get the chance to further explore in the future. I wish I would have not lost all the pictures I have made there, to illustrate all these ideas. It’s amazing, and I don’t know where to start from, maybe this is one of the reasons I have postponed it so much. I must say that these are my subjective impressions and they might not reflect reality, but only the perception of a topurist passing a few days by.

As a Romanian, I was glad to find what I consider as more respect for the culture. That is something I can see almost everywhere:

  • in the central park, there are statues of great authors, which I have not seen cherished in Romania as I have seen there
  • unlike most parts of Romania, the classic architecture has been maintained, and the new façades and buildings have been decently integrated in the urbanistic landscape
  • at the statue of Steven the Great from the central park, there were flowers all the time and people came in the morning and bowed to the statue
  • the respect with which strangers communicate in public transportation

To me, Chişinău seemed more like a city frozen in time. It seemed as like I would have made a trip back in time, to my childhood, and I say that in a very nostalgic way.

This perspective was perfectly integrated with the modern technology:

  • THEY HAD SOCKETS IN THE CENTRAL PARK. Not only free ultra-speed wireless, they had SOCKETS! You could actually stay all day working on your laptop out in the park
  • The info-kiosk near the park offered you instant access to all the cultural events in the city. You could actually pick up the phone and talk to someone from the philarmonic, or from the museum, or from any cinemas!
  • The newspaper stands had video commercials on display and ATMs.

From the marketing & PR perspective, it seemed to me something close to Disneyland, compared to Romania

  • all the salespeople were nice and smiling, even if you bought just a winterfresh mint
  • most the BTL billborads contained simple & enthusiastic commercials
  • many BTL billboards had patriotic messages
  • on some BTL billboards I have seen quotes from great thinkers

I was totally impressed with the quality of the pavages and roads (that is, in the city). I went with two couples to the Dneister and I joked about a recently re-done road to one of the colleagues:

– How much do you think this road is gonna hold?

– 10 years.

– 10 years !?, I said

– Yes. Here, in Moldova, we don’t do roads like you, Romanians do. When we have money to build a road, we might as well do it properly, because we know for sure we won’t have any other money for this in 10 years.

Generally speaking, after you pass the customs office between Romania and Moldova, you know you’re in a different country, because of the terrible roads. But thos which are re-done, are re-done well. Otherwise, another great advantage was, in my opinion, the large roads from the center of the city, with a walking board on the center and the opposite lanes separate.

Also, the public transportation is fast, cheap and reliable. Even the taxi is cheap.

Generally, even though poorer than Romania, the people from Chişinău seemed to me a bit more cheerful, accepting and empathic. They seemed to me more polite, more independent, less talkative and more inclined to enjoy the silence and to listen.

Another place which I loved, and where I consider the civilization is also prominent is the Church. By that, I refer to the central mitropolitan church, where I assisted at a mass. The church is in the middle of a oark, which has a lot of benches, so that old people can listen to the mass at the outside speakers. The church was well-aired. If you felt the need, you could take a breath outside and return, without disturbing anyone. The people were not crowded, but maintained a respectful distance, leaving other to pray in silence. All the icons were protected by glass. Photographing and filming were forbidden and this rule was respected. Recently canonized saints were painted on the walls. I have seen no beggers.

I appreciated the parks. Although not comparable with the parks in Bucharest, which are excellently  taken care of, I have liked the landscapes which can make you feel in the middle of the nature, right in the city. There is less concrete and more grass in the parks, then in Bucharest.

I know Chişinău can’t be compared to Luxembourg, but from the point of view of respecting culture and mixing tradition and technology in a functional, discrete way, this is the city Chişinău reminds me of. And Brussels.

Romania, in the past 25 years has regressed. Moldova, in stead, froze in time. Economically, culturally and psychologically. Always, a stagnation is better than an involution.

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Benefits of Forgiveness

Posted by Ştefan Alexandrescu on 27/04/2012

We are all aware of the preached necessity of forgiving. Starting from a personal development material I got from a training concerning the benefits of forgiveness, I asked myself the following questions:

  1. which are the causes of forgiveness? (what determines people to forgive?)
  2. what are the benefits of forgiveness?
  3. what are the barriers in forgiving?

I intend to share with you the results of 24 researches in this field.

 

1. what supports forgiveness?

  • religious commitment
  • low levels of neuroticism
  • the level of interactivity within the community (social network involvement)
  • the offender and the victim’s willingness to consider a resolution
  • the victim’s perception of change in the offender’s behavior
  • personal values
  • the degree of seriousness of the offense
  • identification of forgiveness-related concepts
  • low hostility
  • evidence more adaptive coping in terms of the forgiveness categories of self, other, and situations (details here [en,pdf])
  • psychotherapy

     

2. what are the benefits of forgiveness?

  • Forgiveness appears to free mental and/or emotional energy that helps people sustain good performance, even on tasks completely unrelated to the forgiveness situation. (details here [en,pdf])
  • reduces anxiety, anger, depression,
  • reduces illness symptoms, stress & fatigue
  • improves perspective taking
  • increases self-esteem
  • self-control
  • it is currently better understood in relation to pro-social behavior than religion.(details here [en,pdf])
  • prevents future violence
  • the first study to look at how forgiveness improves physical health discovered that when people think about forgiving an offender it leads to improved functioning in their cardiovascular and nervous systems (Van Oyen, C. Witvilet, T.E. Ludwig and K. L. Vander Lann, “Granting Forgiveness or Harboring Grudges: Implications for Emotions, Physiology and Health,” Psychological Science no. 12 (2001):117-23)

 

3. what are the barriers in forgiving? (other findings from Roy F. Baumeister’s research with collaborators)

  • the fear of being hurt again
  • a strong sense of narcissistic entitlement- that is, those who believe that they deserve a lot of good things and are highly invested in collecting all that they deserve
  • self-righteousness, in which people cannot see their own potential for misdeeds
  • lack of preparedness to be responsive and to seek pathways of reconciliation and resolution   (details here or here [en,pdf])

     

The results of these researches are objective. I have not taken into consideration for this article the spiritual and personal development advantages, but merely the psychological aspects of forgiveness.

PS: At the original date when I published this article, all the 24 research papers I have referred to at the beginning of the article were available on a website which now does not exist anymore. I have tried to reconstitute some of the links by the names and years of the authors involved, but unfortunately, I have only partially succeeded.

 

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