Fend Your Back from Nonsense: Get Value!

This day marks the 10th anniversary of a particular experimental article I published on Debug Your Mind.

Fend Your Back from Non-Sense: Get Value!

Why was it special? First of all, because of the CTR of this copywriting piece: 19%! That means that 19 % of the people who read this blogvertising article actually clicked on the links presenting the products. Second, it employed a very particular (and dangerous) humor, satire, and parody of another approach to draw the readers’ attention to the products sold. This is why I chose to share it with you by republishing it here as a successful case of copywriting using blogvertising. Finally, I would like to mention that even though the article has competed in the contest, it hasn’t received any awards.

Feng Shui is one of those superstitious ancient pagan beliefs from China. It is actually now banned from China due to its associations with “feudal practices,” which trick people using all sorts of rules to “attract” “good luck” (a.k.a. “good chi” for Feng Shui practitioners). Take a look at pp. 110-112 of the Skeptic Encyclopedia of Pseudoscience to learn more about this nonsense.

I have decided on this subject, coming across what I consider an amusing little Romanian article. So what follows is, in significant part, a spoof [en, wiki] of that article.

Feng Shui is a very Eastern martial arts New Age technique that helps you get lucky, escaping from any enemies you may have (lone sharks, tax investigators, debt collectors, banks, mothers-in-law, aliens, viruses, or every other phantasmagory you might believe in). Using the energy of good chi (f**k it), call it “good luck”, you may improve your professional activity and your performance (including sexually, of course: add whatever you want to obtain, and it will be done; you only have to believe). Looking over the internet, I have found a set of great principles I want to share with you in case you want to ensure that you fend your back when the bad guys are coming.

For example, keeping a charming carnivorous plant in your office will increase your thirst for blood, flower power in business, and faith in the belief: “I can do anything.” If you haven’t paid your electricity bills on time and your computer is running on a generator peddled by a dozen hamsters, a desk lamp on the accumulator is an excellent choice for you to see things better after the dark settled in at your office. If you can’t rearrange your desk to have a close look at the door to see any potential enemy coming, or if you are cornered in your office, this will create insecurity in your life. Somebody could rapidly enter and stab you right in your back if you have your back to the door! You can always intensify your self-confidence by placing a small mirror on the wall or over the computer so that you may see who comes in. Also, keep a small handgun lucky flower in your drawer to treat your enemies!

  

1. Watch your back!

If somebody doesn’t like you, that person will likely hunt you down like a dog in your dreams. That would be a big problem, especially if you were young and afraid of the dark. So Feng Shui advises you to watch your back! Make sure that behind your desk is a secret door leading to a safe corridor. It’s not indicated to have your back on the door or the window, as the swift might, as many Romanians superstitiously think, you will catch a cold, or even worse, all your teeth might rot in your mouth! Hot water is good to keep; to throw it in the face of your enemy, welcome your enemies with hot tea. This activates the “ f**k you” and “yes, boss” energy in your enemies. This way, you will know the energy of the force which enters your office. Look, the power is in your hands!

  

2. Avoid facing the wall

A wall in front of your desk is a barrier in front of your escape. The only remedy, in this case, is to throw your desk against the enemy when he comes in and move its position to welcome any unwelcomed guests.

  

3. Buy spherical golden decorations

Spherical golden decorations represent sky energy when heavy, and you throw them fast at your opponent: whatever opponent walking, it won’t know what lightened him! They are necessary for each space and can’t harm you unless they fall on your feet. Place 6 of these decorations of different sizes in your office. They will help you spend a pleasant lonely time at your work. Also, buy a gun with silver bullets, just in case one of those nights… 

  

4. Avoid sitting in front of anyone.

It’s always good to keep your back on someone else in the office, for them not remembering how much they hate you for earning more energy not to confront. So don’t be afraid, my young grasshopper padawan! You have the mirror and the lucky golden balls and the handgun, remember?

  

5. Choose the right chair.

Having the right chair is of great significance for your future. Make sure its backrest is thick enough to stop any knife from harming you if you doze off at your desk. Otherwise, your back might get hurt.

  

6. Don’t sit too close to the door!

Having to sit near the door, you will only feel more vulnerable. If un-chi, unfortunately, your office is positioned, so try to face the door to act fast, depending on who comes in. If you get the chance, move your desk against the enemy walking in.

  

7. Organize your desk!

Take 10 minutes each morning to arrange your weapons flowers on the desk. If you can’t find your gun flower power when needed, that will affect your effectiveness.

  

8. Don’t over-populate your desk!

Try not to get everything in the drawers when you order your desk. Just the guns. If in appearance, everything is alright, in time, there will be a boogie man’s negative energy that will hold you still at gunpoint. So throw away the rusty knives and keep your new sharp flowers that wilt.

  

9. Pay attention to the sharp edges!

Make sure that when you take the poisoned knife rulers from your desk, you grab them by the safe side. Otherwise, they might act as poisoned arrows that can send you negative energy and affect your future and health.

  

10. Light up your space.

A well-designed office must have as much light as possible. Natural light is better, especially when you don’t know if you’ll pay your electricity bills. It’s also good to have as many windows as possible to ease your escape. Keep them large enough for the light but inconvenient enough for the enemies which might come from outside. Only share the key from the fire escape with your loved ones who don’t want you dead. If your enemies come through the window, this might affect your concentration power and bring you, Yang, bad luck.

You can choose bloody red for your walls. The blood is easier to clean this way. Avoid black. It might suggest you are the bad guy.

  

Follow all these indications if you are, by any chance, followed by bad luck, lone sharks, spies, hired killers, ex-blog readers who now hate you, unsatisfied copywriting customers, former romantic partners, and/or ninjas.

For the rest of you, all hard-working, decent, nice people trying to make a living, forget the time-wasting nonsense and get yourself some practical and professional office furniture. What you will find here and here will most certainly match your criteria, whatever those might be! GET AN EXPERT TO HELP YOU FREE in customizing any office furniture for your needs! It’s the best you will find in Romania!

Marcus Victor Grant

Copyright text © Marcus Victor Grant 2012-present. Copyright © Marcus Victor Grant, all rights reserved.

The materials on this blog are subject to this disclaimer.

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