Today I’ve decided to write about something a little bit more abstract and significantly impacts each of our lives. So my notion of respect might be rather particular.
I think each person, as a human being, deserves respect as a default right. Of course, rights can sometimes be suspended, but never a priori. I do not condition care about the respect of others. I believe each person has their own considerations towards respect, which might differ from mine.
I respect each person’s vision of the world. That vision includes beliefs, attitudes, values, experience, potential, principles, perspectives, and expression, each person’s sum of influences. That means that everything that happened in that person’s life had an effect that ultimately determined that person’s vision.
That vision may not be correct, might not be according to reality, and is likely different than mine. Still, that vision deserves respect. Now… respect is a value… the translation of value to behavior is what makes it visible in the eyes of others.
It is somewhat likely that lack of respect stands out more than respect. In the meantime, there are situations when we consider we have behaved respectfully, although other people don’t feel respected. Why does that happen?
When someone thinks he or she is respected, it is the same as being agreed to. It is not. It is easy to prove a lack of respect towards someone who does not have the same beliefs as you. But people are not their opinions. And communication is more than agreeing. Some people talk to be listened to and ask questions to feel validated, but that is not communication. And indeed, it is not proof of respect.
Another thing that might happen would be the tendency to treat a refusal as a personal offense. For example, someone I know asked me to send forward a link to the protest which took place a few days ago in Piata Victoriei from Bucharest. I replied, “I don’t believe in that cause; I don’t want to promote it”. I understood her point of view and that she was affected, and at the same time, while I expressed respect towards her beliefs, I felt judged because she took that as a personal rejection. An idea to keep in mind for such situations: “if someone doesn’t agree to (some of) your ideas, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t agree with you as a person, it doesn’t mean that YOU are denied/rejected/ignored/banned/prohibited“. It just means there’s a difference in opinions. Where there is a difference, there must be respect.
Let’s take an example of a social habit that most people can relate to. It is well known that smoking damages health. That means people who smoke are likely to increase their chances of getting their health affected. If you smoke, you are probably aware that you endanger your health. For example, if someone smokes, I respect that person’s right to harm themselves because it’s that person’s right to choose what to do with his/her health. The same with people who lie to themselves or any other similar situation. While having respect, I do not support their choice in any way. That means if someone asks me for as much as moving a lighter a few inches further, I don’t. I respect their rights, and I disagree with their manifestation.
Why do I do that?
For instance, if someone is doing something wrong for himself/herself but is interested in changing something, I can find that out with questions and plant some little suggestions or give information. But, if that person is not interested, I don’t want to convince them. A lot of time is wasted with discussions like: “I think X!” “Oh, no, I think not X!”. I don’t want to convince anyone that I’m right; it’s not like I own the ultimate truth or get candy each time I determine someone to change his/her mind… Still, some people continue to behave like that…
I believe each person is entitled to make their own discoveries in due time. To face a person with a conclusion (s) he is not ready to understand or accept is like taking away from them what they could have discovered, on their own, with the more significant gain for themselves. For example, my mother has a very bad opinion of Romania. At the same time, I don’t agree with her opinion, but I respect her vision, as I understand it is due to her experience. She did not try to force her opinion on me, but she expected me to come to a similar conclusion. After a few years, I decided to move from Romania, not out of HER reasons, but because of MY reasons. That way, I am entirely responsible for my decision.
I will give an example of how I applied that from my experience. In high school, I had a colleague. I used to have many contradictions with her on different topics. Those contradictions weren’t going anywhere. I was trying to explain to her, among others, the influence of her family situation on her development opportunities. Finally, about six (!) years later, she told me she was beginning to understand what I was telling her back then. Now imagine: I could have rambled 6 years on that topic… maybe I would have convinced her, but then, it wasn’t she who had the responsibility and the merit of realizing. Yes, sometimes, it may be a good thing to intervene in someone’s life… but that often happens when people assume they know better what’s appropriate for others.
Thinking you know better what’s appropriate for others is a profound lack of respect; it’s like saying: “You don’t know how to live your life; let me show you”. Even if you’re right, that is not the proper approach. However, it can afford to use it with close friends who appreciate frank, honest opinions.
Another thing that I consider a lack of respect is labeling people, judging them for less than they truly are, through partial, momentary experiences, especially those of “idiots”. There’s a classic presentation from the ‘ 80s, “how can someone be an idiot?”, which concludes that actually, when you tend to believe that someone is an idiot, that means (s)he actually has a very different idea from yours. So the thing to discover when tending to label someone in an un-elegant manner is what is so different from what this person is stating.
Ultimately, doing to others as you want to be done yourself may sometimes be a form of lack of respect, discounting a fundamental truth: people have different motivations, consider important different things, and have different values and expectations. For instance, I like to be awake at 6 AM in the morning, listen to audiobooks while walking on the street and playing chess, talk on the YM, write on my blog and listen to music simultaneously. I doubt everyone would like the same thing.
PS: What I have stated until here doesn’t apply when someone might hurt someone else through a specific behavior. One thing I cannot respect is interfering with someone else’s rights through your liberty.
Text Copyright © Marcus Victor Grant 2010-present, all rights reserved.
Copyright photo © Irina Chiriță, 2015-present
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Analytic Vision 
I respect your reflections, Stefan. I believe, as you do, that “each person, as a human being, deserves respect as a default right”. Nevertheless, I do not think such a right “can sometimes be suspended” – this may happen in fact, but nobody has any right to suspend anyone’s right to respect, regardless of circumstances, neither a priori nor a posteriori.
In my view, your vision (which is rather experiential than analytic) refers mainly to another concept: “unconditioned acceptance”.
Besides, I would argue that trying to convince others does not mean necessarily lack of respect, on the contrary: sometimes, it could be the deepest proof of respect (and care) one can give to another. The real issue is not whether but how it is done: one can take a truly genuine respectful way in trying to convince, to give advice, etc…
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Elisabeta, please read more carefully: “First of all, one thing that happens if that when someone thinks he or she is respected, that means it is the same thing as being agreed to. It is not.”. “Unconditioned acceptance” is rather related to other terms, such as “approval” or “tolerance”. The term for having an appreciation for something you may not agree to is “respect”. Also, “respect” is a noun, which has a sense by its own. “acceptance” is a noun derrived from the verb “to accept”, it is the result of one’s ACTION of choice – therefore, it confines a behavior. Respect, on the other side, defines an attitude, a value. “Acceptance” is built in time through practicing the behavior and obtaining the skill of “to accept”. “Respect” is a value, from which unspecific behavior derives.
To acquire respect, one must have a cognitive-behavioral approach. A parent inspires the child to practice respect as acquisition of a value, which is related to identity and status. In those families where children are not inspired by parents, they are “made to obay authority”, therefore the parents obtain similar results to the effects of “respect” even if what they actually inspire is FEAR.
To acquire acceptANCE, one must practice the behavior and develop the skill of “to accept”.
This aspect is very relevant, especially in Romania, where it is likely that children grown up with fear of authority will have the behavior one would assimilate with “respect”, but only out of fear. These children, if they do not work towards self-re-educating, will score high on the anti-democracy scale.
This is my counter-argument to the idea that the concept described in my article would rather be “unconditional acceptance” rather than “respect”.
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